Interior Peace

Interior peace - something I take for granted so often. The amazing thing is that I've always had it. God has gifted me with a solid foundation of faith - one that has never (and I dare to say, will never) fail. I've been blessed with stability in so many aspects of life - from a loving family environment growing up to financial stability and friends who will help in times of need today. These gifts are so great - some of the best that I've ever received, and yet it's hard to appreciate them. When you rely on something every day, it's hard to imagine not having it.

The intensity of my faith may change over time, but it's always there. This internal calm is also always there, even when I throw so many things on top of it that my head or body can't keep up. If I stop for a second, I still have peace.

There's also a motivation constantly present - to improve, to endure, to look toward the future. I don't give up. There's no way that attitude would be sustainable if it weren't give to me by God. How
wonderful is He!

My whole life and the backbone of my support structure is based in His gift and His presence. I may not have always followed His rules, but even when I was miserable because of my choices, I still threw myself at His feet, knowing His love, comfort, and forgiveness. In times of tears, I've run to the tabernacle and literally threw myself at His feet - that's where I found unconditional love and a presence that does not waver.


God, increase my faith and my awareness of my dependence on You.
Help me to be grateful for the many gifts you bestow on me each day, especially those that I don't even recognize as gifts.
Your ways, oh Lord, are wonderful.
Keep me in Your care, and guide me to make Your will my own.

(Taken from prayer journal, written 9/15/16 during Adoration)

We Adore You

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
My spirit rejoices in God my Savior 

I can think of no better words to describe being in the presence of God -
the freedom,
the love,
the lack of tension,
the calm.

Basking in the light that illuminates the truth.

Giving, and knowing your gift will be appreciated, no matter how small.

Learning to love with your whole heart,
and pleading that you can live like this every day,
knowing that won't happen until the glories of heaven.

Thanking God for a glimpse of what that day will look like,
and renewing your hope that you will make it there.

Reflecting on the life you have built,
evaluating where you haven't lived up to your calling,
and resolving to try harder.

Feeling the communion of saints and angels around you,
grateful that you can join in their unending praise of the one you love.

Living,
breathing,
hoping,
praying,
thanking...
and that is enough.

Written in Adoration 2/12/16

"If We are the Body"

If we are the body,
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?

Jesus, help us to be You to the world. Help us to show others Your love through our actions, pouring out unconditional acceptance and offering assistance.

We have a tendency to stick to our own and look down upon others who don't share our views. Break us of the habit.

We like to help when we receive recognition or know we will be paid back. Give us hearts that love without expecting anything in return.

Our actions and words are what draw others to You or push them away. Remind us to speak kindly and act sincerely.

We fail daily to follow Your example. Forgive us.

We're part of a huge body of believers - those on earth and those who have gone before us. Join our prayer with those faithful departed, as they continue to help us out. Saints, named and unnamed, thank you for your example and your intercession. You have shown us a multitude of ways to be Jesus to others.

What more can we do? Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, set in our hearts a desire to follow Your example. Pull us towards our calling, that we may complete the personalized work that You want from us. No one else can fulfill the role You have called us to - make clear to us what that role is and guide us as we pursue it each day.

Keep our hearts fixed on You - Your teaching, Your love, Your suffering, and Your defeat over darkness. You are our perfect role model, and we must strive to emulate the way You lived. Give us empathy, strength, wisdom, and courage to live lives radically altered by our knowledge of You.

St. Joseph's Cathedral - Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Who Can I Love Today?

Driving to work this morning, I got this idea...I really like the "Random Acts of Kindness" stories that float around (see this blogger's post for a good cry), but I wanted to incorporate it into daily life instead. So I decided to create a game. I'm calling it, "Who Can I Love Today?"

The premise is simple: as you're going about your day, look for someone who you can help. Then, do it! After you're done, write it down, then repeat.

I was really excited to try it! I started doing nice things and writing them down. My list wasn't about being proud or tallying my "goodness" or competing; it was merely so that at the end of the day, I could reflect on the people whose day I hoped that I had brightened or eased in some way. I wanted to have something to show God, saying, "Here, I did these things for You."

So driving to work, I stopped traffic to let a guy go in front of me at a difficult intersection, knowing he could be waiting for two more lights before the stream of cars gave him a wide enough gap to merge in.

Once I got settled at my desk, I wrote a text to a friend I knew was overwhelmed with her current lot in life, sending encouragement her way.

And then...well...work happened. I said hi to co-workers, thanked the help desk for resetting my password (twice), let my brother eat the leftovers I had my eye on, but I didn't go out of my way to do anymore. My commitment to finding people to help waned, as did my passion for furthering God's will.

And so, I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm still just as excited about playing my new game now as I was this morning, even though I didn't maintain that level of excitement throughout the day. Day-by-day, I'm hoping to get better at my game and focusing more on those around me, since we become fully ourselves when we give ourselves in service to others.

Will you join me?


God, my prayer tonight is that You be with those I tried to reach today and lift their lives to You. Re-energize me with sleep tonight that I may do a better job tomorrow.


(I promise I'll write about the events that led me to this desire...but that's for another day when I have more time!)

Part of SITSgirls' ShareFest

"God is Moving"

This is my nightly prayer. Kneeling beside my bed each night, I take a deep breath and close my eyes; I reflect on the day - both my joys and failings, gratitude and contrition; I recite my 5 affirmations mantra, "I love You, I adore You, I worship You, I thank You, I implore You"; I ask for the saints' intercession (a multitude of saints for a multitude of intentions!); and I say a prayer to my guardian angel...Then I end with these words:

Holy Spirit, move through me and teach me to love.

It's that one, simple phrase that resonates with my soul.


At different points along life's journey, we shift focus and need different things. Maybe it's Jesus' mercy, or the Father's protection, or the Holy Spirit's guidance. Maybe it's just love or comfort.

A year ago, my "resonance prayer" was God be with me. I needed His presence, in any form. Generally I addressed the Father, but I wasn't too picky. I didn't really know where to turn, but I knew I wanted Him there, surrounding me and strengthening me, drawing me in even when I wasn't willing to come closer.

Slowly, my focus changed. I no longer need assurance of His presence; I knew He wouldn't leave me. (Thank you, St. Therese, for showing me just what that means!) But knowing that He's here isn't enough. I'm shifting focus outward. Now I want to do something. I want to be an extension of God's love, giving existence to the desires God has for His world. And that can only come through a love of God and an openness to the workings of the Holy Spirit, whispering from deep within.

Twice in the past couple months, I heard something I don't think anyone has said to me before. First a nun and then a priest, after listening to me talk about my faith, said they saw God moving in me. What an awesome thing to hear! The Holy Spirit is moving...I can feel it, and it's great to know others see it too. I want everyone to see that, to see the love God gives me, in my interactions with every person I meet. I want others to know what that movement feels like! It starts with a prayer. So I continue to ask...

Holy Spirit, move through me and teach me to love.

 

 Hillsong's "God is Moving"

(I like a different version better, but I can't find it on YouTube!)

"Break our hearts for what breaks Yours"

(Taken from prayer journal, written 8/17/12 during Adoration)

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners,
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

We constantly strive to know and do Your will - we fail, but we keep trying.

There are so many sins in this world, and they should appall us and throw us into more fervent prayer. 

We love all creatures, but we can't tolerate the failings of ourselves or others - we must make amends and ask for forgiveness. 

We must speak out for what we believe and not hide from the pointing fingers and ridicule of society, for we know the Truth, and we know the Truth will lead us to You.

You have given us everything - sacrificing Your own life so that we may be saved from our failings in this world. Move use to challenge ourselves and those around us to accept You and receive the love You are constantly showering upon us.

Help us as we lift each other up to You. Our missions are all different but are directed towards the same goal - to serve You and show Your love to all those around us.

You've given us such an example in Mary, who completely surrendered her will to Yours and underwent so much suffering, yet she never turned away from You. We must direct our lives to the service of Your ends and not waver from the calls You have placed in our hearts.

Help us to still our minds enough to listen to You whispering to us. We find it increasingly difficult as the speed of our lives increases.

We need to remember our reason for being.

Meditation: A Valuable Practice

Meditation has been the best addition I've made to my spiritual life in a long time! At the suggestion of a Sister, I started to set aside 20 minutes a day to focus on Jesus' life through the gospels. As I've mentioned before, Jesus is the one person in the Trinity that I'm hesitant around. I thought this would be a great opportunity to tackle my hesitation head-on, freeing myself to encounter Him without reservation.

At first, this meditation was just another thing added to my ever-lengthening nightly routine. Wash face, brush teeth, exercise quickly, say prayers, MEDITATE. Some nights I'm better at planning ahead and leaving enough time for this new addition than others, but nevertheless, I hold those 20 minutes, even if it cuts into my sleep.

Now that it has become habit, I've started to notice the ways it's impacting my life. They may be subtle and seemingly inconsequential, but I can sense a bigger movement in my life that's happening with these small steps.

1. I'm learning the Bible! It's often joked that Protestants know the Bible backwards and forwards, but Catholics barely open it. I've got to say...although I've theoretically heard the whole Bible every three years from Sunday masses, sitting down with a Bible gives a lot more context that I've been missing.
2. It's breaking me of my Type A personality. I'm a person of planning and achieving, as efficiently as possible. But with these 20 minutes, I may only get through 10 verses! Stopping to reflect and really read with the intent to understand the context, imagine the scene, and apply it to my life has helped to slow me down. I've begun to realize the importance of the things I'm doing instead of rushing to accomplish them and move on.
3. I'm less attached to "stuff". With a renewed focus on what's important, my desire for possessions has declined. It was nothing to let my parents take my bed when they came to visit. I gave a friend a wedding planning book that I was excited to look through someday. I donated four bags of clothes to St. Vincent de Paul. I've cut down on the time I spend playing Candy Crush. I even let go of one of my crochet projects, which I'm always very proud of and unnecessarily attached to. But the thing is, none of it mattered to me. I was happy to do it - I mean actually happy, not begrudgingly happy.
4. I'm open to listening. Although this started before my practice of meditation, the daily routine is further deepening my desire to do God's will, not my own. Starting out the 20 minutes by acknowledging God's presence and requesting the help of the saints humbles me and reminds me that I'm part of this larger community and a larger plan. I ask that I can play my role to the best of my ability.
5. I carry God with me more actively. In my interactions with others, at work, driving, in the shower, my thoughts turn to God more frequently. What's the opposite of "Out of sight, out of mind"? Because that's what I'm experiencing. Getting to know Jesus makes me more aware of His presence and more comfortable talking to Him.

I don't know where this spiritual growth is leading, but I'm looking forward to it! I highly recommend trying it yourself to see how your life changes.

I'll end with a song, since I haven't included one in a while. This one is so simple and raw - it's one of my favorites during Adoration or after communion.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus
Truly present in the Holy Eucharist
I place all my trust in You

21 Spiritual Retreat Questions

Happy New Year!

Happy Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God!

I had a beautifully different New Years this year. Instead of parties with friends, fun drinks, and a TV turned to (the rerun of) the ball dropping in Times Square, I spent the night at a Marian Shrine with a friend. We went to Adoration at 11PM, then participated in mass at midnight. The rest of the day we engaged in prayer and conversation.

Like I said - beautiful. We each wanted to spend some time away for different reasons. Although it wasn't my intention, I'm beginning the new year with a plenary indulgence! How's that for starting out on the right foot?!

In our conversations, my friend and I made a list of retreat-type questions that we thought would fuel good thought and prayer. After completing the list and reflecting on it, we both picked out the question that was hardest for us to answer and focused on that area throughout our "mini-retreat". I feel it was spiritually fruitful for both of us!

Without further ado...here's the list of 21 questions! Use them for your own mini-retreat, even if that just means hiding in a quiet space in your home for a few minutes.

1. What was the highlight of 2013? What word will define your 2014?
2. What would God view as your biggest accomplishment?
3. What's the key area you want to improve in your life? What proactive steps can you take towards it?
4. What are you grateful for?
5. Who are you grateful for? Have you told them?
6. What topic are you avoiding talking about with God?
7. Who has influenced you in your faith? Who are you influencing?
8. Who is your role model in faith? How can you be more like him/her?
9. When is it easy to trust God? When is it more difficult?
10. How does God want you to improve your prayer life?
11. How do you maintain active participation in mass?
12. What's your biggest hurdle to loving God? How can you start to overcome it?
13. Would others say your actions are an extension of God's love?
14. Do you turn to prayer in times of desolation AND consolation?
15. How can you grow closer to God this year? (ie. focus on increasing your faith, hope, or love?)
16. Loving and serving God comes only after knowing Him. How can you deepen your understanding of God?
17. Who can you purposefully be Christ for? How?
18. What visible reminders do you have of your faith?
19. "He is always with you, be always with Him." How?
20. How do you show mercy?
21. What are your top three priorities? Do you spend your time accordingly?

St. Thérèse of Lisieux (who is making her way into my life), pray for us!

A Christmas Prayer

Happy birthday, Jesus!

Dear God,

Thank you for the many blessings you've given me, both those I recognize and those I take for granted.

1. I'm especially grateful in this holiday season for family. My parents drove 16 hours to make it here to celebrate with my brother and me - that's a long drive! I was so excited that they watched me in the Nutcracker yesterday. I danced my best and was radiating joy, knowing they were in the audience.Their love and support through the years hasn't changed, and their dedication to us is humbling.
   

   

   French Twist for the Nutcracker!

2. Thank you for the weather! Although it has been really cold, the timing of snow couldn't have been better. First, the roads were clear Monday for  my parents' drive, despite the big snow storm over the weekend (and the ice last Friday - eek!). It made for an easier trip for them, and also a beautiful, sunny day when they arrived. They were able to see the prettiest part of winter - fresh snow glistening in the sunshine! Second, coming out of mass last night, filled with Christmas joy from the beautiful music and decorations, I was touched that it was snowing again! This is the first White Christmas that I remember, and it's beautiful. Growing up in the South, I would always hope for snow on Christmas, but the closest we ever got was ice. And third, we can enjoy the weather from inside today! We don't have to be anywhere, so we'll settle in to share each others' company, take in the pretty view through the windows, and stay warm!
   

   

   Our winter wonderland

3. Lastly, a wish for all, in honor of Jesus' birth - that the world may know Your love, if not through prayer and personal relationship with you, then through the actions of those around them. May we recognize Your movement through our world and display the joy of Your love to all people, no matter their stage of life, personal beliefs, or life choices. Let us remember the true reason we celebrate today - not the hustle and bustle of buying gifts and preparing for meals and parties, but the silent night that brought our Savior from on high into our world. How wonderful is the love God has poured out upon us! Fill our hearts that we may extend that same love to everyone we meet!

   

   Merry Christmas!

The Gift of Tears

I've found myself crying, or near tears, a lot more often recently. But these aren't normal tears - they aren't tears of self-pity or sadness or joy for something happening in my life. They have to do with the transformation going on inside of me. These days, I can't even get through mass without tearing up.

Friday evening, driving home from work, I was reflecting on Jesus' passion. All of a sudden, I was sobbing, moved by how much He must have loved us, even in the midst of our darkest hour - condemning and killing our Savior. It's something I've thought about before, but that night, it hit me hard. I wanted to make it up to Him, but my whole life's work is not even enough. I was reminded of Mother Teresa's vow to refuse nothing to Christ. Really, isn't that the only acceptable response?

This isn't the first time I've been overcome to the point of tears...

I distinctly remember a moment from my confirmation retreat in 8th grade. We were spread out throughout the dimly-lit cathedral, praying individually. The retreat leaders came around to each of us, asked what we'd like to pray for, and then joined us in prayer for a few minutes. When my turn came, I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed by two things:

1. As we entered the cathedral for this quiet prayer time, we were handed a small sheet of paper with a letter typed out - something like this (I wish I could find the actual one!). The "letter" was written from Jesus, explaining how much He loves us individually and wants to be with us, even though He reaches out to us a million times and we don't respond.
2. This stranger wanted to pray for MY intentions. She had never met me before, but she took the time to ask, "What can I pray for?", and then sat with me and prayed for me, for my family, and I don't know what else. To tell the truth, I was so overcome that I couldn't think of anything specific to ask her to pray about!

This was my first real encounter with both Jesus' unique love for me, as described in the letter, and another's openness to pray with and for me. By offering to pray for me, she showed me what Christ's love looks like. It was beautiful! ...and more than I could handle.

Two more teary-eyed moments were during retreats in college (the Awakening retreat I talked about in my post on Aggie Catholics). My freshman year, I was overcome by the sacrifice of the students running the retreat - giving up their weekend to be there for us and welcoming us where we were, with open arms. After the initial excitement of the retreat, we had time for confession and quiet reflection. The only light in the room came from the candles we set in the shape of a cross. I once again saw Jesus' love poured out through others.

The other time, I was a sophomore, giving a talk during the retreat. The support I got from the other students, in hand-written notes, small gifts, and a group prayer over me before I spoke really did me in. They showered me with thoughts and prayers, again revealing the depths of Jesus' love. (I'll post my talk some other time!)

These moments were some of the most poignant of my faith journey. They occurred when I was being transformed, renewing my dedication to know, love, and serve God. I've always had a relationship with God the Father, but I tend to keep Jesus at a distance. I can't fathom how much He endured, and sometimes I don't feel like our salvation was worth it.

But in these moments that bring me to tears, I can't escape His love. He chose to die for us, freely. That's a gift I'm trying to accept. As much as I don't like crying, I'm drawn to these encounters, both feeling Christ's love through others and being Christ to others. I can't back away, because I'd really be missing out. My tears mean I'm growing in love.

So...hi Jesus, and thank You!

St. John Lateran - Rome, Italy

Anticipating and Preparing...

Happy New Liturgical Year!!

Today marks the beginning of Advent - a great season, and not just because the liturgical color is purple. Advent is a time of anticipating Jesus' coming - both His first coming 2,000 years ago which we relive each year, and His second coming when the earth and time cease to exist.

Let's not let Christmas overtake Advent. Christmas has its own time. The anticipation, the waiting, the hoping, the preparation - that's what makes Advent special. By jumping straight to Christmas, we miss that build-up and the reflection on what we need to do to ready ourselves for Christ.

We have a lot to prepare before Christmas - decorating, buying gifts, arranging travel plans, cooking, and the list goes on. And while these can be good things, they can also distract us from the more important preparation: readying our souls to meet Christ.

I love these short, dedicated seasons where we can make a conscious effort to go beyond our normal self and grow closer to God. In short bursts of effort, it's easy to form good habits, especially when the underlying reason for them is to deepen faith. For the 40 Days for Life that occurred throughout October, I committed myself to saying a daily rosary. After a breakup this summer, I told God I wouldn't think of dating another guy for 40 days. Both of these commitments have strengthened my relationship with Christ and brought me closer to the person I want to be.

40 days seems to be the perfect length of time for a dedicated effort. It's long enough to be difficult but short enough that it's still energizing and do-able. 40 days doesn't feel so overwhelming (like with a New Year's Resolution), so it's easier to stick with. And it forms habits.

For Advent this year, I'm undertaking the St. Andrew Christmas Novena which started yesterday. I'm praying this 26-day prayer to understand my vocation. Whether I arrive at Christmas with a definite answer on my calling or not, I'll be a better person for the reflection and devotion. I'm excited to spend my Advent longing for a more perfect union with Christ.

So let's look forward to Christmas, joyfully anticipating, preparing, and waiting for Jesus' birth in this season of Advent.

Mall of America