2020 in Three Words

This past year has been so unlike any other – when the world shuts down on a global scale due to a virus that causes mass fear and further divides an already polarized American political system, times are hard in general. Yet God is in it all. I know I have been carried through this year, and New Years Eve 12/31/2019 prepared me to recognize that.

At the beginning of the year, before everything changed, I was at Holy Hill to ring in the New Year with some friends with 11PM adoration and midnight mass. Beforehand, we had quite a while to chat, so we talked through some end-of-year reflection questions. The question that stood out most to me was “what three words will describe your 2020?” As I thought about it, three words came to mind: grounded, open, and moving. Grounded in my relationship with God through deeper prayer; open to new possibilities; and moving forward – taking steps outside my comfort zone to grow. I wrote them down, stuck them on my bulletin board, and looked back at them throughout the year. Boy, did God take those words and run with them!

Grounded. With the pandemic came our “safer at home” orders and the shutdown or virtualization of everything we do outside the home. For me, that meant working from my apartment and only venturing out for groceries. Never before had I been “grounded.” God has such a sense of humor! Through being “grounded” at home, I became “grounded” in prayer. Because I wasn’t commuting to work (and frankly, because I didn’t care too much how I looked each day), I had extra time in the mornings before logging into my computer to start my workday. I used that time to extend my morning prayer. I also determined a specific person to offer my day for each day and lit a candle to burn on my desk through the workday, lifting that person to God as I trudged through the seemingly endless calls. On Sundays, my roommate and I would dress up and watch Sunday mass together, trying our best to stay engaged through the TV. I also began a habit of praying and reading onto my balcony every Sunday, keeping Sunday more intentionally as a day of rest. I felt the difference. In increasing my time with Jesus and decreasing the events, activities, and distractions in my life, my prayer did indeed deepen, and I became more grounded in my identity as a beloved daughter of the Most High God than I ever had been before.

Open. Back in December of 2019, a man at my parish approached me about joining a small group he was starting, as he felt called to invite me. I told him I would think about it, but that I already felt overcommitted so maybe this wasn’t the best time. I ran into him again in January, and this time, I said yes. I wanted to be open to new ways that God could work in my life, so I was cautiously interested in learning about deliverance ministry, which was the topic of the group. Through reading and watching the Unbound program, I was able to see another side of God’s love for His people. When we discussed forgiveness, I realized where I was “stuck” and stepped farther out of my comfort zone to ask for an individual session. In this session in February, I experienced healing and insight in such an intense way. I was able to acknowledge and let go of past hurts and to vocalize forgiveness of others and of myself. I cried so much that day. There was so much freedom in letting go. One thing in particular that I let go of was my plans for my future. I gave over control and gave up the tightly-held plans and timelines of what my “perfect life” would look like. This was weeks before our “safer at home” orders began, and I know this healing was the reason I was able to roll with the punches through the lockdown. I no longer had plans for my ideal life, so changes to the plans didn’t phase me. When asked what I was feeling at the end of the session, I answered with a smile on my face, “Normalcy.” I couldn’t articulate what that word meant at the time, but it was the feeling that my heart was emptied and swept clean, “open”, that I had a Father who cared about me and was always there for me, whom I had known and felt protected by since I was a little kid. “Normalcy” to me meant being a beloved daughter of the Most High God, open to whatever the future had in store, knowing God was with me.

Moving. God had fun with this one! Not too long into 2020, my roommate and I discussed whether we should renew our lease. I loved the apartment but knew renting wasn’t the most financially responsible decision, so I started looking to buy a condo. After seven months and three rejected offers (crazy sellers’ market!), I had a good idea of what I was looking for but continued to be disappointed that the right one hadn’t come along. As I narrowed in on the area I wanted to live in, I expanded my search criteria to include houses (though I didn’t want to do yardwork or clear snow). At the same time, I gained some money I wasn’t anticipating which allowed me to increase my price range. One week after making these search adjustments, a house went on the market that was cute and in the right area and in the right price range and not too big and not too small and well-maintained and…perfect. The HOA even takes care of yardwork and snow removal. Through God’s grace, there were only three offers submitted, and after a weekend spent anxiously trying to keep my mind off of it and preparing for another disappointment, I got the call that my offer was accepted! The next month went by in a blur of paperwork, inspections, packing, and praying that everything would go smoothly. Through the hecticness and little sleep, I was frequently overcome by a feeling of joy mixed with exhaustion, doing what I could to keep on top of all the needed tasks while trusting God to carry me through. I had the sense that He had prepared this house especially for me. The previous owner, who introduced himself as a “Catholic dairy farm kid”, had never intended to sell the house but had come across an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He took great care of the place and completed many updates to it through the years. I am grateful to God for this man who put so much effort into making it a beautiful home, which I will enjoy for years to come. God’s plans are unexpected but so much better than we can imagine. The daughter of the Most High God was given a gift that exceeded expectations.

God knew what He was doing when He placed those three words on my heart on New Years Eve. He knew exactly how He intended for those words to play out in my life, amidst the pandemic and drastic changes to our everyday lives that none of us predicted. Through those words, He has shown me how actively He is involved in my life and how much He is drawing me to Himself. I’ve learned to be more grateful, as He does so much behind the scenes that we don’t realize. As the year ends and I take a last look at those three words, I have to smile and share this great joy I have experienced. I am in love with my God. He has taken the year I offered Him to focus on being grounded, open, and moving, and He has turned it into something so beautiful for the daughter of the Most High God.

What's in store for 2021? I don't know, but I trust the One who does. I already know my three words for the coming year...we'll see what He does with them!

The High Point of Life

What would you say the high point of your life has been? Maybe it's your wedding day, or the birth of a child. Or maybe winning an award or promotion you worked hard for. Before you keep reading, take a moment to think about it and keep that event in mind.

My High Point

For me, I'd have to say the high point of life has been graduating from college. It was such an emotional day, the culmination of four years of hard work, not just with my studies but also building a life to call my own and cultivating friendships that were supportive and true.

My heart was full on my graduation day. I was ready to go out into the world and build on what I had learned. I had a job lined up far, far away, with just a few weeks to move before starting my new life.

My family was there to support me, and my parents were beaming with pride. I was also very sad to leave behind my friends and the beautiful familiarity of Duke's campus. After packing up the two cars with all my stuff, my family piled in and drove 1,000 miles away. I cried during that car ride...a lot. I clutched to my chest the stuffed animal my boyfriend had given me a few months back and let the weigh of these life changes hit me.

Graduation gave me time to reflect on how far I had come. College was tough. Classes were hard; I was far away from family and friends; new friends were good or bad influences; dance rehearsals, sorority date functions, Catholic events, and weekend parties competed for my time. All-in-all, I grew as a person. For me, graduation didn't just mean that I had completed the course requirements. It also meant I completed four years of constantly pushing myself to learn who I was and grow towards who I wanted to be. I was proud of my accomplishments and grateful for the opportunities Duke had given me.

Jesus' High Point

If we were to ask Jesus what the high point of His life was, what do you think He would say? I'd venture to guess that His answer would be His crucifixion. That day we commemorate each year on Good Friday wasn't the most pleasant...actually, it was the most excruciating. By our human standards, it would be a day we'd want to forget, not hold up as the high point of life.

So I had to ask myself what criteria really makes something a high point.

Jesus' whole life was leading up to those tough hours. The cross was the culmination of all His teaching and the fulfillment of the prophesies. It was a huge trial, one that He didn't shy away from but endured with love.

What makes me see the crucifixion as the high point is the fact that Jesus was living his God-given purpose. He showed the world love in a way no one else could. He was uniquely Himself and used His unique talents/skills/situation to serve God.

Avignon, France

Evaluating our High Point

In light of Jesus' crucifixion, I want us to take a look at our own high point. The reason my graduation was so important to me wasn't the diploma; it was the preparation for life. I had worked hard to set myself up for the future, whatever that ended up being.

My high point and Jesus' both came with trials. Breaking out of our comfort zone may bring pain and tears, but it pushes us to become more uniquely ourselves and grow towards our purpose.

I know my high point will change later in life. College graduation was just a significant stepping stone. As I work with God to understand who He created me to be, I anticipate growing towards the purpose He intended for my life and encountering trials to help me get there. Those trials will be a blessing, whether I recognize it or not. College definitely was. My future path may not be easy, but it will push me to become the person God designed me to be.

Why is the event you chose as the high point of your life? Does it tie back to your purpose? And what does that mean for your life going forward?

Single, and Loving It

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be single this Valentine's Day, and for the first time, I'm genuinely happy about it. No, it was not my plan to be on my own 5 years after graduating college. In the life I designed for myself, I was married with a kid or two by now.

God had other plans for me. 

It has taken quite a while to come to terms with where I am today. I've been disappointed time and again when what I really wanted didn't worked out. I worked so hard in school, with late nights to turn in my best work. I always thought my engineering background would be a great segue into motherhood - always new challenges, not much sleep, and new developments to keep up with. But that transition didn't happen. I dated guys and put lots of effort into making things work, when really I wasn't being true to myself. Obviously, those relationships didn't last...and I'm thankful for that.

In these struggles, I was going against what God wanted for me. Over time, I started to accept the fact that I'm not in control - God is. And the more I let go and follow His lead, the happier I become.

As I reflect on my current state in life, I realize that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. 

Everything has fallen into place, but in ways I never expected. All I had to do was say yes to the opportunities that came along. My various talents and interests are all being put to use, not as a mother, but as a manager and a friend:

• I'm leading a large, undefined project at work. Five years ago, I would have been intimidated to be in complete control, without someone else showing me which direction to go. Today, it's an exciting challenge - I define my own scope, pull in the resources I need, and set my own timelines. I set my own vision and lead others to carry it out. That engineering background really has put me in a position to make an impact.
• I'm learning about my faith and helping others grow through two Young Adult Groups. I straddle two parishes, so I'm making friends in both. I just started co-leading a weekly women's fellowship group, discussing Archbishop Fulton Sheen's TV series from the '60s - Life is Worth Living. 
• I just danced 4 shows of the Nutcracker in December and am now learning ballroom. My passion for dancing keeps me active and introduces me to some great people I wouldn't have otherwise met. I especially enjoyed sharing my experience and "wisdom" with the high school girls in the Nutcracker. I found out how much I enjoy mentoring younger girls as they figure life out.
• I'm getting to crochet baby blankets, toys, and clothes for all my friends who are having their first babies! This year has been ripe with new life. I once would have been jealous that they have what I want, but now I'm just excited to share in their new phase of life, helping out as I can and learning along the way. I'm putting my crochet skills to great use!

If I had continued striving for my ideal life, I would have missed out on all these things. Taken together, these really define the things I love about life. Each one of them makes me feel more alive.

Despite my best efforts, God has put me exactly where I need to be. So no, I'm not married with kids like I wanted, but I'm more than satisfied with life, and I'm excited for where God leads me next. So God - now it's Your move!


Are there things you're so focused on that you're letting the joys of life slip by?

"Break our hearts for what breaks Yours"

(Taken from prayer journal, written 8/17/12 during Adoration)

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners,
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

We constantly strive to know and do Your will - we fail, but we keep trying.

There are so many sins in this world, and they should appall us and throw us into more fervent prayer. 

We love all creatures, but we can't tolerate the failings of ourselves or others - we must make amends and ask for forgiveness. 

We must speak out for what we believe and not hide from the pointing fingers and ridicule of society, for we know the Truth, and we know the Truth will lead us to You.

You have given us everything - sacrificing Your own life so that we may be saved from our failings in this world. Move use to challenge ourselves and those around us to accept You and receive the love You are constantly showering upon us.

Help us as we lift each other up to You. Our missions are all different but are directed towards the same goal - to serve You and show Your love to all those around us.

You've given us such an example in Mary, who completely surrendered her will to Yours and underwent so much suffering, yet she never turned away from You. We must direct our lives to the service of Your ends and not waver from the calls You have placed in our hearts.

Help us to still our minds enough to listen to You whispering to us. We find it increasingly difficult as the speed of our lives increases.

We need to remember our reason for being.

Management to Motherhood: Introduction

Ultimately, I feel I am called to motherhood, but I'm still a long way from it! I've always been ambitious and ready to move on to the next stage of life: in sixth grade, I was ready for high school; junior year of high school, I was ready for college; junior year of college, I was ready to be married. I'm not sure I was actually ready, but I had a strong desire to leave behind the current situation and embark on a new journey with new challenges.

My past ambitions have just required more time before they inevitably happened, but that marriage thing still eludes me. Instead (out of necessity and a refusal to be supported by my parents who had already done so much for me) I got a job and have shifted my ambitions towards something I can more directly control: my career.

Although I never really wanted to be a working woman, it does have its benefits:

1. I get to use the problem-solving skills from my years of schooling. My parents paid lots of money (and I ended up with lots of debt) to give me a top-notch education. Without an outlet to employ those skills (ha! literally), all the years, hard work, and expenses wouldn't amount to much.
2. I contribute to the greater good of society. It's satisfying to see my effort pay off in improving the efficiencies of my team and my company as well as contributing to the success, happiness, and relationship of the clients with whom I directly interact. I never intended to impact an organization, as the contribution I've wanted to make was along the lines of raising kids who would improve the world, but it has been a fulfilling detour.
3. I get paid! Having a paycheck every month and job security in a growing industry gives me the freedom to live comfortably and without worry. I paid back the above-mentioned debt (something I considered my responsibility and not that of my future husband). My thoughts have turned towards questions like, "Which causes do I want to support?", "How do I effectively tithe?", "How much do I put away for retirement?", "What can I do for my friends?", and "What trips/adventures are up next?". (If  you have thoughts on any of these, send them my way!)
4. I bill my university for the work I do now. (This is a small satisfaction, but a satisfaction none-the-less.) One of my clients is my alma mater, so each month they get an invoice for my help. After spending so much money going to school there, I enjoy seeing them contribute to my salary now, even though I live a thousand miles away. We may just come out even one day! (Side note: I really enjoyed my time in school and am appreciative of all the learning and opportunities while I was there. I don't have a vendetta of any sort. From a purely financial standpoint, it was just a lot of money!)
5. I get to travel the country for free. Business trips take me to many locations: some exciting, others mundane. My favorite series of trips was to Hawaii, Alaska, and Las Vegas within a three-month period. I have seen cultural stereotypes first-hand (a fun experience for me) and have gotten a chance to catch up with friends scattered across the states. Most recently, trips to New York and DC have included work-free weekends spent in the company of holy women who I am honored to call my close friends. Work travel gives me an excuse to visit friends I otherwise may not have the time to see.
6. I learn new things all the time. Through my interactions with smart and knowledgeable people, I've encountered so many new concepts that have challenged me to become a better professional, a better person, and a better world-citizen. I've taken an interest in various business topics, have read numerous books and articles on wide-ranging subjects, and have analyzed how others' experiences could improve my immediate surroundings.
7. Management prepares me for motherhood (or so I hope). I manage five employees, who I think of as my "kids". They all came straight out of college, so I do a lot of initial expectation-setting in the working world. I help set their direction, find their passion, build their discipline, and put them on a path to make good decisions, much as I see mothers do for their own children. Management has its ups and downs, as I am passionate about mentoring others to grow them into their best selves and I also feel their pain as they struggle. There are great rewards when I can sit back and watch what they accomplish on their own after working closely with them over a year or two.

This last benefit, which I'm calling the concept of "Management to Motherhood", is the part of my career that I want to analyze, share, hear thoughts from others, and remember later in life. I've always heard you're never really ready to be a mother, but I'm going to do what I can to prepare myself through today's lessons. To that end, I'll be writing new posts about my adventures with team members and analyzing how they relate to motherhood. Ideally, I'd have a separate thread of these posts, but I haven't figured out how to separate/catalog them without creating a whole new blog. If you have ideas, let me know!

In the spirit of sharing insight, I found this blog post to be a positive influence on my outlook for the "not-yet married" life. Enjoy! Single, Satisfied, and Sent: Mission for the Not-Yet Married

"Step By Step"

Step by step, You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

I got to attend a parish mission talk tonight, the end of a three-day event. There were lots of good points made, but the one that really stuck with me didn't have much to do with the speaker's main objective. His topic was tithing, wealth, and giving, and I took a lot from his comments on the culture's lack of giving and how debt keeps us from giving.

What got me thinking was a small comment he made, about taking one step at a time towards God. I have such grand plans in my head for what will become of my life in the future, but right now I don't have the means to get there. I keep waiting until barriers are removed so I can finally start living for a purpose.

What I forget, though, is that life happens now. My plans may never work out, even if I feel they are my calling and purpose. What I'm doing now is who I am in God's eyes and in the eyes of those around me. I can't wait until the stars align - I've gotta live today and become the person I was meant to be, even if I can't fulfill the purpose that is on my heart.

So no more waiting. It's time to take one step at a time, not worrying about how each step furthers my "purpose" but keeping in mind how they will bring me closer to God and to who He wants me to be. I know those steps will lead me where I'm supposed to be, and really, following that path will ultimately lead to a deeper joy than I could have imagined for myself.

A quote from tonight that made me smile was

God loves you just the way you are...and He loves you too much to let you stay that way.

There's always more to do in our quest towards heaven. God keeps talking to us and pushing us; we just have to give in and follow along.

Good luck with your steps! Keep in mind: the view from the top has got to be spectacular, but you can only get there one step at a time.

Bell tower climb at Holy Hill - Hubertus, Wisconsin