Interior peace - something I take for granted so often. The amazing thing is that I've always had it. God has gifted me with a solid foundation of faith - one that has never (and I dare to say, will never) fail. I've been blessed with stability in so many aspects of life - from a loving family environment growing up to financial stability and friends who will help in times of need today. These gifts are so great - some of the best that I've ever received, and yet it's hard to appreciate them. When you rely on something every day, it's hard to imagine not having it.
The intensity of my faith may change over time, but it's always there. This internal calm is also always there, even when I throw so many things on top of it that my head or body can't keep up. If I stop for a second, I still have peace.
There's also a motivation constantly present - to improve, to endure, to look toward the future. I don't give up. There's no way that attitude would be sustainable if it weren't give to me by God. How
wonderful is He!
My whole life and the backbone of my support structure is based in His gift and His presence. I may not have always followed His rules, but even when I was miserable because of my choices, I still threw myself at His feet, knowing His love, comfort, and forgiveness. In times of tears, I've run to the tabernacle and literally threw myself at His feet - that's where I found unconditional love and a presence that does not waver.
God, increase my faith and my awareness of my dependence on You.
Help me to be grateful for the many gifts you bestow on me each day, especially those that I don't even recognize as gifts.
Your ways, oh Lord, are wonderful.
Keep me in Your care, and guide me to make Your will my own.
(Taken from prayer journal, written 9/15/16 during Adoration)
Jesus, my God, how glorious are You!
You alone stand firm when the rest of us fall.
You look on us with love, even as we ignore You and instead follow the ways of the world.
Forgive us.
Guide us, help us, walk with us, for only through You can
we gain life and the perfect love that awaits.
We can't begin to imagine this future life, though we can get glimpses of it here.
Make our desire for You grow stronger with each day and with each small glimpse into Your glory.
Open our hearts to fall in love with You.
Open our minds to the wonderful mysteries that we'll never fully understand.
Open our hands to serve, to give ourselves as You gave Yourself completely to us.
Only then will we become one with You and show Your glory to the world.
(Taken from prayer journal, written 8/17/12 during Adoration)
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners,
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours
We constantly strive to know and do Your will - we fail, but we keep trying.
There are so many sins in this world, and they should appall us and throw us into more fervent prayer.
We love all creatures, but we can't tolerate the failings of ourselves or others - we must make amends and ask for forgiveness.
We must speak out for what we believe and not hide from the pointing fingers and ridicule of society, for we know the Truth, and we know the Truth will lead us to You.
You have given us everything - sacrificing Your own life so that we may be saved from our failings in this world. Move use to challenge ourselves and those around us to accept You and receive the love You are constantly showering upon us.
Help us as we lift each other up to You. Our missions are all different but are directed towards the same goal - to serve You and show Your love to all those around us.
You've given us such an example in Mary, who completely surrendered her will to Yours and underwent so much suffering, yet she never turned away from You. We must direct our lives to the service of Your ends and not waver from the calls You have placed in our hearts.
Help us to still our minds enough to listen to You whispering to us. We find it increasingly difficult as the speed of our lives increases.
Meditation has been the best addition I've made to my spiritual life in a long time! At the suggestion of a Sister, I started to set aside 20 minutes a day to focus on Jesus' life through the gospels. As I've mentioned before, Jesus is the one person in the Trinity that I'm hesitant around. I thought this would be a great opportunity to tackle my hesitation head-on, freeing myself to encounter Him without reservation.
At first, this meditation was just another thing added to my ever-lengthening nightly routine. Wash face, brush teeth, exercise quickly, say prayers, MEDITATE. Some nights I'm better at planning ahead and leaving enough time for this new addition than others, but nevertheless, I hold those 20 minutes, even if it cuts into my sleep.
Now that it has become habit, I've started to notice the ways it's impacting my life. They may be subtle and seemingly inconsequential, but I can sense a bigger movement in my life that's happening with these small steps.
I'm learning the Bible! It's often joked that Protestants know the Bible backwards and forwards, but Catholics barely open it. I've got to say...although I've theoretically heard the whole Bible every three years from Sunday masses, sitting down with a Bible gives a lot more context that I've been missing.
It's breaking me of my Type A personality. I'm a person of planning and achieving, as efficiently as possible. But with these 20 minutes, I may only get through 10 verses! Stopping to reflect and really read with the intent to understand the context, imagine the scene, and apply it to my life has helped to slow me down. I've begun to realize the importance of the things I'm doing instead of rushing to accomplish them and move on.
I'm less attached to "stuff". With a renewed focus on what's important, my desire for possessions has declined. It was nothing to let my parents take my bed when they came to visit. I gave a friend a wedding planning book that I was excited to look through someday. I donated four bags of clothes to St. Vincent de Paul. I've cut down on the time I spend playing Candy Crush. I even let go of one of my crochet projects, which I'm always very proud of and unnecessarily attached to. But the thing is, none of it mattered to me. I was happy to do it - I mean actually happy, not begrudgingly happy.
I'm open to listening. Although this started before my practice of meditation, the daily routine is further deepening my desire to do God's will, not my own. Starting out the 20 minutes by acknowledging God's presence and requesting the help of the saints humbles me and reminds me that I'm part of this larger community and a larger plan. I ask that I can play my role to the best of my ability.
I carry God with me more actively. In my interactions with others, at work, driving, in the shower, my thoughts turn to God more frequently. What's the opposite of "Out of sight, out of mind"? Because that's what I'm experiencing. Getting to know Jesus makes me more aware of His presence and more comfortable talking to Him.
I don't know where this spiritual growth is leading, but I'm looking forward to it! I highly recommend trying it yourself to see how your life changes.
I'll end with a song, since I haven't included one in a while. This one is so simple and raw - it's one of my favorites during Adoration or after communion.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus Truly present in the Holy Eucharist I place all my trust in You
I had a beautifully different New Years this year. Instead of parties with friends, fun drinks, and a TV turned to (the rerun of) the ball dropping in Times Square, I spent the night at a Marian Shrine with a friend. We went to Adoration at 11PM, then participated in mass at midnight. The rest of the day we engaged in prayer and conversation.
Like I said - beautiful. We each wanted to spend some time away for different reasons. Although it wasn't my intention, I'm beginning the new year with a plenary indulgence! How's that for starting out on the right foot?!
In our conversations, my friend and I made a list of retreat-type questions that we thought would fuel good thought and prayer. After completing the list and reflecting on it, we both picked out the question that was hardest for us to answer and focused on that area throughout our "mini-retreat". I feel it was spiritually fruitful for both of us!
Without further ado...here's the list of 21 questions! Use them for your own mini-retreat, even if that just means hiding in a quiet space in your home for a few minutes.
What was the highlight of 2013? What word will define your 2014?
What would God view as your biggest accomplishment?
What's the key area you want to improve in your life? What proactive steps can you take towards it?
What are you grateful for?
Who are you grateful for? Have you told them?
What topic are you avoiding talking about with God?
Who has influenced you in your faith? Who are you influencing?
Who is your role model in faith? How can you be more like him/her?
When is it easy to trust God? When is it more difficult?
How does God want you to improve your prayer life?
How do you maintain active participation in mass?
What's your biggest hurdle to loving God? How can you start to overcome it?
Would others say your actions are an extension of God's love?
Do you turn to prayer in times of desolation AND consolation?
How can you grow closer to God this year? (ie. focus on increasing your faith, hope, or love?)
Loving and serving God comes only after knowing Him. How can you deepen your understanding of God?
Who can you purposefully be Christ for? How?
What visible reminders do you have of your faith?
"He is always with you, be always with Him." How?
How do you show mercy?
What are your top three priorities? Do you spend your time accordingly?
St. Thérèse of Lisieux (who is making her way into my life), pray for us!
(Taken from prayer journal, written 2/8/10 during Adoration)
All I want is to be in the light.
I want to feel exposed to God - bearing everything to Him, allowing Him to know me completely (because He does anyway). I don't want to feel I can hide anything, because I can't. God sees all and knows all. My heart is an open book, and if I can accept that, I can listen to His response - His love for me no matter what and His whisperings of what I should be doing and who I should become. Only by accepting His omniscience and His unconditional love can I then feel His peace in my life.
By making friends whose goals are the same as mine, I am hoping to be pushed into this more. By going to a Bible study and actively participating in discussions, I am bringing my faith back to the forefront of my thoughts - which will in tern translate to actions.
I want this - I want You, God. Guide me, strengthen me, chastise me, love me, be patient with me. I will continue to follow, listen, and accept my exposure.
(Taken from prayer journal, written 1/25/10 during Adoration)
Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom
These words keep repeating over and over in my head. The phrase/plea captures the unworthiness of self and the reliance on God's mercy. The other phrase/lyrics that keeps running through my head is
Holiness is what I long for; holiness is what I need.
Holiness is what You want from me.
We are called to become perfect like Christ, even though we will never attain perfection. Although this should seem hopeless and disheartening, to know that others have been striving for the same thing, succeeding as much as humanly possible, and providing an example to follow is invigorating. If the saints could do it, why can't I?
This could mean changing a lot in my daily life, but what do I lose by it? Maybe some "fun" times with friends, but that is only momentary and not usually fulfilling. To know my friends better and help them out when they are struggling would provide so much more joy than enjoying an evening where my heart tells me I'm not being me.
I want to know You and see You in the face of others. I cannot be perfect, but I can desperately try to become like You every minute of the day. At one point I began writing down things I had done for others each day, and I hope I can do that again. It gave me such a sense of peace to know I could touch someone else and make his/her day a little brighter.
I need to love without restraint, without regard to consequences or pain; to accept others and love them as they are, for who God made them to be. Their flaws were intentional. If God loves them anyway, why can't I? God, surround me with people who will help me on my journey, who will be supportive yet resolute, and who will hold me accountable.
Sadly, I can't always push myself, but that's why this journey was not meant to be taken alone. Without a community, faith struggles and new ideas are difficult to come by. On the other hand, blindly listening to a group can also be a hindrance to faith. Differing opinions are essential to a healthy and growing faith. I want to be like the phrase I have heard before:
Be in the world but not of the world.
I want to relate to all people, regardless of background, religious practice, or values. It may be difficult to accept these things, but I will continue to strive for it. The saints are such a source of inspiration, and I should read more about their works and lives.
Jesus, make me Your Hands - doing Your work in the world. Help me to find peace and share it with those around me every day, taking the time to reflect and recenter so I can continue going on whatever path You have set out for me. Your will be done.
