2020 in Three Words

This past year has been so unlike any other – when the world shuts down on a global scale due to a virus that causes mass fear and further divides an already polarized American political system, times are hard in general. Yet God is in it all. I know I have been carried through this year, and New Years Eve 12/31/2019 prepared me to recognize that.

At the beginning of the year, before everything changed, I was at Holy Hill to ring in the New Year with some friends with 11PM adoration and midnight mass. Beforehand, we had quite a while to chat, so we talked through some end-of-year reflection questions. The question that stood out most to me was “what three words will describe your 2020?” As I thought about it, three words came to mind: grounded, open, and moving. Grounded in my relationship with God through deeper prayer; open to new possibilities; and moving forward – taking steps outside my comfort zone to grow. I wrote them down, stuck them on my bulletin board, and looked back at them throughout the year. Boy, did God take those words and run with them!

Grounded. With the pandemic came our “safer at home” orders and the shutdown or virtualization of everything we do outside the home. For me, that meant working from my apartment and only venturing out for groceries. Never before had I been “grounded.” God has such a sense of humor! Through being “grounded” at home, I became “grounded” in prayer. Because I wasn’t commuting to work (and frankly, because I didn’t care too much how I looked each day), I had extra time in the mornings before logging into my computer to start my workday. I used that time to extend my morning prayer. I also determined a specific person to offer my day for each day and lit a candle to burn on my desk through the workday, lifting that person to God as I trudged through the seemingly endless calls. On Sundays, my roommate and I would dress up and watch Sunday mass together, trying our best to stay engaged through the TV. I also began a habit of praying and reading onto my balcony every Sunday, keeping Sunday more intentionally as a day of rest. I felt the difference. In increasing my time with Jesus and decreasing the events, activities, and distractions in my life, my prayer did indeed deepen, and I became more grounded in my identity as a beloved daughter of the Most High God than I ever had been before.

Open. Back in December of 2019, a man at my parish approached me about joining a small group he was starting, as he felt called to invite me. I told him I would think about it, but that I already felt overcommitted so maybe this wasn’t the best time. I ran into him again in January, and this time, I said yes. I wanted to be open to new ways that God could work in my life, so I was cautiously interested in learning about deliverance ministry, which was the topic of the group. Through reading and watching the Unbound program, I was able to see another side of God’s love for His people. When we discussed forgiveness, I realized where I was “stuck” and stepped farther out of my comfort zone to ask for an individual session. In this session in February, I experienced healing and insight in such an intense way. I was able to acknowledge and let go of past hurts and to vocalize forgiveness of others and of myself. I cried so much that day. There was so much freedom in letting go. One thing in particular that I let go of was my plans for my future. I gave over control and gave up the tightly-held plans and timelines of what my “perfect life” would look like. This was weeks before our “safer at home” orders began, and I know this healing was the reason I was able to roll with the punches through the lockdown. I no longer had plans for my ideal life, so changes to the plans didn’t phase me. When asked what I was feeling at the end of the session, I answered with a smile on my face, “Normalcy.” I couldn’t articulate what that word meant at the time, but it was the feeling that my heart was emptied and swept clean, “open”, that I had a Father who cared about me and was always there for me, whom I had known and felt protected by since I was a little kid. “Normalcy” to me meant being a beloved daughter of the Most High God, open to whatever the future had in store, knowing God was with me.

Moving. God had fun with this one! Not too long into 2020, my roommate and I discussed whether we should renew our lease. I loved the apartment but knew renting wasn’t the most financially responsible decision, so I started looking to buy a condo. After seven months and three rejected offers (crazy sellers’ market!), I had a good idea of what I was looking for but continued to be disappointed that the right one hadn’t come along. As I narrowed in on the area I wanted to live in, I expanded my search criteria to include houses (though I didn’t want to do yardwork or clear snow). At the same time, I gained some money I wasn’t anticipating which allowed me to increase my price range. One week after making these search adjustments, a house went on the market that was cute and in the right area and in the right price range and not too big and not too small and well-maintained and…perfect. The HOA even takes care of yardwork and snow removal. Through God’s grace, there were only three offers submitted, and after a weekend spent anxiously trying to keep my mind off of it and preparing for another disappointment, I got the call that my offer was accepted! The next month went by in a blur of paperwork, inspections, packing, and praying that everything would go smoothly. Through the hecticness and little sleep, I was frequently overcome by a feeling of joy mixed with exhaustion, doing what I could to keep on top of all the needed tasks while trusting God to carry me through. I had the sense that He had prepared this house especially for me. The previous owner, who introduced himself as a “Catholic dairy farm kid”, had never intended to sell the house but had come across an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He took great care of the place and completed many updates to it through the years. I am grateful to God for this man who put so much effort into making it a beautiful home, which I will enjoy for years to come. God’s plans are unexpected but so much better than we can imagine. The daughter of the Most High God was given a gift that exceeded expectations.

God knew what He was doing when He placed those three words on my heart on New Years Eve. He knew exactly how He intended for those words to play out in my life, amidst the pandemic and drastic changes to our everyday lives that none of us predicted. Through those words, He has shown me how actively He is involved in my life and how much He is drawing me to Himself. I’ve learned to be more grateful, as He does so much behind the scenes that we don’t realize. As the year ends and I take a last look at those three words, I have to smile and share this great joy I have experienced. I am in love with my God. He has taken the year I offered Him to focus on being grounded, open, and moving, and He has turned it into something so beautiful for the daughter of the Most High God.

What's in store for 2021? I don't know, but I trust the One who does. I already know my three words for the coming year...we'll see what He does with them!

We Adore You

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
My spirit rejoices in God my Savior 

I can think of no better words to describe being in the presence of God -
the freedom,
the love,
the lack of tension,
the calm.

Basking in the light that illuminates the truth.

Giving, and knowing your gift will be appreciated, no matter how small.

Learning to love with your whole heart,
and pleading that you can live like this every day,
knowing that won't happen until the glories of heaven.

Thanking God for a glimpse of what that day will look like,
and renewing your hope that you will make it there.

Reflecting on the life you have built,
evaluating where you haven't lived up to your calling,
and resolving to try harder.

Feeling the communion of saints and angels around you,
grateful that you can join in their unending praise of the one you love.

Living,
breathing,
hoping,
praying,
thanking...
and that is enough.

Written in Adoration 2/12/16

The Right Kind of Busy

Ask anyone nowadays how things are going, and more often than not you'll get an answer the boils down to one word: busy.

Our society today moves at a faster pace than ever before, and we feel it. We talk about it, commiserate about it, and justify our missteps with it. What bothers me, though, is that we play victim to it. Inherent in that common answer is the understanding that this world moves too fast and we're just trying to hold on.

But it's not.

We decide to be busy.

Yes, there are some instances where making ends meet means taking on more work than we feel we can handle. For most of us though, we choose to fill our days to the brim. We crave busyness as a sign of social status or maybe to distract us from confronting a hardship in life.

When others ask me how things are going, I try to respond with something other than "busy". This Lent, I've found that I'm reverting back to this bad habit as I have more scheduled events to keep track of. I cling to my calendar as if it's my lifeline. When friends asks me about myself, my mind is so wrapped up in what's coming next that I don't slow down to be present with them and give them a more thoughtful answer than "busy".

I'm working on it.

What I've come to find, though, is that I feel the overwhelmed kind of busy when what I'm doing doesn't line up with my priorities. And this is where the "right kind" of busy comes in - the intentional kind of busy.

As an example - when I stay up late to comfort a friend who needs a shoulder to cry on, I may be really tired the next day, but I don't complain about it. Instead, I have a spring in my step, knowing my presence made a difference to that friend, even if it meant sacrificing sleep. For me, the value in comforting a friend far surpasses the value in being well-rested.


If we think about our time the same way, we won't feel victimized by busyness. We won't complain that the world has a hold of us, because we're directing our time towards the things that matter. There's something peaceful about collapsing in bed at the end of the day, knowing we worked our hardest to further something we are passionate about, whether it be our own physical health, the education of the next generation, enriching the lives of the elderly or disabled, or providing for our families.

We should live our lives intentionally.

First we need to take the time to define our priorities and understand our purpose. Then, we can live our lives in a way true to that purpose. We'll be choosing to walk a path rather than allowing our lives to be swept away in the world's stream of busyness.


I challenge you: remove the word "busy" from your vocabulary and focus on directing your time towards what's important. I'll do the same.

Single, and Loving It

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be single this Valentine's Day, and for the first time, I'm genuinely happy about it. No, it was not my plan to be on my own 5 years after graduating college. In the life I designed for myself, I was married with a kid or two by now.

God had other plans for me. 

It has taken quite a while to come to terms with where I am today. I've been disappointed time and again when what I really wanted didn't worked out. I worked so hard in school, with late nights to turn in my best work. I always thought my engineering background would be a great segue into motherhood - always new challenges, not much sleep, and new developments to keep up with. But that transition didn't happen. I dated guys and put lots of effort into making things work, when really I wasn't being true to myself. Obviously, those relationships didn't last...and I'm thankful for that.

In these struggles, I was going against what God wanted for me. Over time, I started to accept the fact that I'm not in control - God is. And the more I let go and follow His lead, the happier I become.

As I reflect on my current state in life, I realize that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. 

Everything has fallen into place, but in ways I never expected. All I had to do was say yes to the opportunities that came along. My various talents and interests are all being put to use, not as a mother, but as a manager and a friend:

• I'm leading a large, undefined project at work. Five years ago, I would have been intimidated to be in complete control, without someone else showing me which direction to go. Today, it's an exciting challenge - I define my own scope, pull in the resources I need, and set my own timelines. I set my own vision and lead others to carry it out. That engineering background really has put me in a position to make an impact.
• I'm learning about my faith and helping others grow through two Young Adult Groups. I straddle two parishes, so I'm making friends in both. I just started co-leading a weekly women's fellowship group, discussing Archbishop Fulton Sheen's TV series from the '60s - Life is Worth Living. 
• I just danced 4 shows of the Nutcracker in December and am now learning ballroom. My passion for dancing keeps me active and introduces me to some great people I wouldn't have otherwise met. I especially enjoyed sharing my experience and "wisdom" with the high school girls in the Nutcracker. I found out how much I enjoy mentoring younger girls as they figure life out.
• I'm getting to crochet baby blankets, toys, and clothes for all my friends who are having their first babies! This year has been ripe with new life. I once would have been jealous that they have what I want, but now I'm just excited to share in their new phase of life, helping out as I can and learning along the way. I'm putting my crochet skills to great use!

If I had continued striving for my ideal life, I would have missed out on all these things. Taken together, these really define the things I love about life. Each one of them makes me feel more alive.

Despite my best efforts, God has put me exactly where I need to be. So no, I'm not married with kids like I wanted, but I'm more than satisfied with life, and I'm excited for where God leads me next. So God - now it's Your move!


Are there things you're so focused on that you're letting the joys of life slip by?

Right to Life

With yesterday's anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Catholic and pro-life communities mourn the death of so many as a consequence of the decision 41 years ago. The fact that thousands attended the March for Life in DC yesterday, despite the bitter cold, shows that opposition to the ruling isn't going away.

Many write and speak on their views, leaning one way or the other. My favorite from yesterday is this blog by Brandon Vogt. He clearly outlines the inconsistencies in President Obama's statement in an objective way, from the view of one who gives consideration to one side while firmly aligning with the other.

It's that listening and trying to understand the other side that we forget. We get so wrapped up in shouting louder to make ourselves heard that we don't stop to consider why there is another side opposing us.

I try to understand that many people consider abortion to be an end to a woman's problem and the freedom to choose what to do with her body and her life. I've read Unplanned (and you should too!) and discovered that those employed by Planned Parenthood truly believe they are working in the best interest of their clients. They see the uncertainty of these women who regret their condition and don't know how they will live their life caring for a child. The workers want to take the problem away - to help the women get back on their feet and end their fears and anxiety.

I get that.

And if that were all there was to it, I may agree.

But all my thoughts, prayers, and yes, Catholic upbringing, have led me to believe that we're talking about two people. And once these decisions concern another person, it's not just about a woman's right to her own body. It's about her support or destruction of someone else's life. At that point, we need to defend a baby's right to life above a woman's freedom to choose.

Is there a scientific way to prove that life, by definition, beginning at conception? I don't know.

I know that all the genetic material needed for a new life to grow is present at conception. I know that at conception, a continuous string of development begins that doesn't stop at a defined point in time. I know that medical advances have allowed us to support the life of a preemie born earlier and earlier in this development. I know studies have been done that show a baby feels pain in the womb.

I believe from my Catholic studies that God fuses the soul with the body at conception. I believe that John the Baptist recognized Jesus when they were both in the womb during the Visitation. I believe that children are a gift and that they have dignity and value, even though they cannot yet contribute to society, even if they never contribute to society through productive work.

Women who find themselves in this tough situation need compassion and support. They find themselves in a difficult situation and don't know where to turn. They need prayers, yes, but they also need emotional and financial help. They need to understand their options besides resorting to the destruction of life. They may need assistance covering medical bills and, if they decide to keep the baby, living expenses.

I've been exposed to multiple groups who provide this support, ready to welcome these women with open hearts to arm them with information and resources. The Sisters of Life's Co-Workers for Life network is a beautiful display of this outpouring of love. There are women's centers popping up across the street from Planned Parenthood facilities. I spent Tuesday evening at a diocesan center, stocking shelves with diapers and sorting heaps of baby clothes donated by the community for mothers who need assistance.

The support is there.


I'm always amazed at the success of the 40 Days for Life (which I wrote about here). This peaceful vigil has so far seen more than 8,000 babies' lives spared, 88 abortion workers quit, and 44 abortion clinics closed during or following a campaign. Beautiful!

Let's continue the fight, but with love and understanding. Let's listen to what the other side has to say, because without listening there will be no dialogue. Others do not see things the same way, so shouting louder will only lead to anger and cause us to be further divided. Our love of all includes the unborn, but it also includes those who disagree.

Prayer through music

Music speaks to me. I've always been around music and always have some tune in the back of my mind. I even chose St. Cecilia, the patron saint of musicians, as my confirmation saint in 8th grade. An extensive aptitude test that I took in high school told me I need to have music in my life, whether as a hobby or a profession. Since my main hobby is dance (and I actually dance for work on occasion), that's not too difficult. :)

Dance has been my passion since I was 10 years old...well probably longer, as I have evidence of my balletic tendencies in a picture from 2nd grade. Sometimes I've just gotta dance (like Gene Kelly exclaims in Singin' in the Rain). Every once in a while I'll put on Pandora and just let myself move through the space, to express whatever it is my heart decides. There's such freedom in movement without objective or structure, feeling the rhythm of the song and responding to it naturally. It's when I become fully me, fully alive. I relish those moments, and they energize me to take initiative or persevere through trials.

I get the same feeling from singing hymns or Praise & Worship music, not all the time, but when I'm truly present and conscious of the words I'm singing. I smile at St. Augustine's quote:

 Those who sing pray twice.

I believe it. Praying through song not only lifts your thoughts to God; it also lifts your voice to Him. There are so many different hymns and Christian songs out there, and I've always found one that resonates with my feelings-of-the-moment, whatever those happen to be.

Songs can move me to tears, like Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella". Every time.

Other songs pull at my heart each time I hear them. The two that always touch me, no matter where I am in life, are Casting Crown's "Who Am I" and Jeremy Camp's "Walk By Faith".

I will forever be Dad's little girl, so "Cinderella" reminds me of how I've grown up with his constant love and support, no matter how busy our lives have become or how far away from home I've moved.

The other two songs are so powerful because they get back to the core of life and faith. They give me that sense of freedom like dancing around my living room. They speak to my heart and my very being. If everything else goes wrong, those are still solid: belonging to God and walking in faith.

At least three other songs have popped into my head and branched into separate streams of thought while I've been writing this, but I'll save the details for another day. I don't want my writing to be a jumbled mess like my mind can be. Because songs evoke such strong emotional reactions and complex thoughts from me, I draw inspiration from them. That's why most of my prayer journal is based on song lyrics; I'll have something in my head and need to express what it says to me.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying two things: that I chose to base my blog title on St. Augustine's quote because of my attachment to music, and that most of my posts will probably be named after the lyrics of a song and will contain the thoughts sparked by those songs repeating themselves in my head.

 

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