Management to Motherhood: Creating and Maintaining Culture

After three years as a manager, I have grown to have a great appreciation for creating culture - an intangible, yet essential, element to business.

Each company has its own unique culture, as does each family. What I've realized more and more is that culture is deliberate and powerful. The executives/parents sat down and determined what they wanted the company/family to look like, and they set up structure to make it happen. They put rules in place to make their ideas into a persistent reality. Those established values have far-reaching impact, both in the way the organization functions and in the way others view it.

Growing up, my family ate dinner together every night, beginning with a prayer. We went to mass each Sunday, without fail. These rules showed us that both family and faith were important, and the consistency of routine taught us discipline.

I know a couple who determined their family would keep Sunday holy in a deliberate way. They not only refrain from working; they also place no expectations on each other or their children. No errands are run; meals are simple. It's the only day of the week their kids don't have to do chores. They wanted Sunday to be a special day, and they set the expectations and uphold them, week after week.

These were intentional decisions by the parents to create a culture within the family. Over time, that culture can morph - intentionally or incidentally - because of a dip in discipline, changing values, or a subversive element creeping in.

Maintaining culture is then a deliberate and difficult job. As a manager, it's my responsibility to be a consistent voice of the company's values to my team members. It requires discipline to stick to the rules that make us the company we are. I'm always watching what I say and how I act so that no one misinterprets me - if they think I don't agree with the company, they will start to voice dissent and slowly degrade the culture, following my perceived bad example. Culture can degrade easily, but it takes a lot to hold up the established values. My adherence to our values is extremely important in maintaining culture among my team members.

Children are even more susceptible to outside influence and need a consistent message, in word and action. A friend told me one time that my mannerisms are exactly like my mom's. I had no idea that I'd picked up her traits and still had them 4 years after I moved out of my parents' house. (Don't worry, Mom - I take it as a compliment!) Our parents imprint a lot on us, whether we like it or not.

What's even more challenging is changing culture. Once a culture is established, it takes a lot to redirect everyone's focus and values. It takes a strong leader who is respected and trusted by the organization. (I wouldn't suggest trying to establish a new culture with teenagers...) Without the right people, enough buy-in, or adequate effort, these attempts fail. Culture has a force of its own. Creating a good culture in the first place saves a lot of headache down the road.

So I challenge you - be deliberate about creating a positive, loving culture in your household, and consistently uphold the values you hold most dear.


Slight side note - I loved being in Europe and experiencing the culture across the pond. I'm starting to plan a trip back! This picture is a tribute to the original Sound of Music, after the remake yesterday. The wedding scene was filmed in this church.

Basilica St. Michael - Mondsee, Austria

Management to Motherhood: Tough Love

I'd consider myself a nice person. While that generally makes me pleasant to be around (I hope!), it can get in the way of giving feedback effectively. For the sake of my team members' feelings, I can sugarcoat how they are doing, and then they don't have a clear sense of what they are doing well or not so well.

Every person receives feedback differently.
I know some who jump to change at the first mention of the possibility they are doing something sub-par. I know others who rationalize all critical feedback - they blame the situation and won't admit that they are less than perfect. It's important to keep in mind how the individual will respond when crafting your not-so-happy message.

Giving feedback on specific incidents that happened is only the start. If they take it well and are more careful in the future, you'll never have to mention it again. If, on the other hand, they don't get the message and continue with the same behavior, (first, you've gotta make sure you tell them clearly what you expect without sugar coating!) then it may be time for some tough love.

If they mess up once in a while, you correct and continue on. Once the behavior is repeated over and over though, it becomes a pattern which will need a harder stance to break. Tough love is the method of showing how much you care for a person by holding them to a standard that they haven't consistently reached in the past. It's not being mean. You can coach them through it. You need to be unrelenting though - leave no allowance for slipping back to old behavior. Continue to bring up the mistake every time you see it happen, as soon as you see it happen. It'll be somewhat of a Pavlov's dogs thing - instead of hearing the feedback directly from you afterwards, they will start to remember it beforehand and will (hopefully!) correct themselves.

Tough love takes work...
both on your part and on the part of the person you're helping improve. It's called "tough" for a reason.  You have to be watchful and outspoken with the feedback, even if it's uncomfortable to give. The person may not like you for it as they are constantly being told they are doing things wrong, but if they have respect for you and understand the negative impact their behavior has on others, overall they should be able to see that you're looking out for their best interest and trying to help them grow.

It's like being a personal trainer.
There's lots of struggle to motivate the trainee to put in the effort, but ultimately there's a goal, and it's your job to help them reach it despite their groans and complaints. You're by their side, holding them to the number of reps they need to do, encouraging them to keep going, but never coddling or lowering your expectations. They may feel exhausted and inadequate, but they know it'll help them achieve that goal. At the end, they will be so much stronger and self-confident - precisely because it wasn't easy but they made it anyway.

Being the nice person I am, I have a tendency to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Unless they show signs of struggling or the problem really starts to affect others, I let it go. But the key to NOT having to give tough love is to address and correct things right away. I get myself in situations where I'm responding to a raging fire because I didn't pay attention when it was just a small flame.

The first time I had to use tough love, I was a camp counselor for a cabin of 9-year-olds.
First, I was surprised at how caddy and cliquey the girls were already - I didn't realize I'd have to deal with almost-teenagers! There were three girls in particular who decided they were the "popular girls." They always sat together, excluded others from their group, and whispered about and laughed at other girls. One day, I finally had enough. I was angry at the way another girl was put done by their comments, so I told them (a little forcefully) they were not allowed to sit together at meals anymore. Their smiles quickly melted as they tried to hold back tears. My heart was breaking for these three - I didn't like to see them hurt, but I also knew how much they were hurting others and would continue to hurt them if I didn't intervene.

That night, the whole camp got together to watch a movie. Walking over to the big cabin, all three of these girls wanted to walk beside me and hold my hand. When we settled in for the movie, they really looked like lost puppies hoping I would give them a smile - no caddiness, just a desire to please at any opportunity. I had one of these girl sitting on each side of me, and the third on my lap. This was definitely not the reaction I was expecting. Instead of becoming sullen or resentful, they were more willing to listen and wanted to be good.

The next morning at breakfast, they took seats next to each other, slyly glancing me to see if I'd notice. I restated that they were not to sit together, and they moved to be interspersed among the rest of the girls. That meal was a little awkward, since they had to talk to girls outside their "clique", but I had a profound sense of relief. I could also tell that the other girls were glad of the change. Those three girls continued to hang out in their group, but they were much nicer to the other girls, and I never had problems again.

Summer camp was a great experience for me as a counselor, and I think it did wonders for the girls who attended. They learn and grow in new ways - some overcome a fear of swimming or heights, others find their stride caring for and riding horses, and they all interact with new friends and adult supervisors. Although I didn't go to a typical summer camp when I was growing up, I definitely recommend it!

Camp canoe formation

Tough love in the workplace isn't much different.
By the time someone enters the workplace, they should know basic courtesy and work ethic. But work is very different from school, which is all they may know. Some make the transition smoothly, while others don't pick up on the "obvious" behaviors you're need in an office. One of the main things I see new workers struggle to understand is setting deadlines for themselves. In school, a teacher or professor clearly states the expectations for a paper, homework assignment, or test, and gives a due date for each one. In the workplace, there aren't always hard deadlines - a lot of things are "as you have time" or "get it done soon".

I had one particular team member who didn't take these seriously, and after 6 months, he had delayed other people from completing their work and didn't have much to show for himself. We had a hard conversation about when people expect those things to get done and what the consequences of putting them off were. He drastically changed the way he approached each new nebulous assignment, and a year later, he is a star employee. By resetting that expectation and forcing him to track each task in a spreadsheet along with his own due dates for each, he got into the habit of approaching each timeline by thinking about when other people needed him to finish his task. It took additional time for him to keep a spreadsheet of all his responsibilities, and it took time out of my day reviewing it and talking through it with him.

After a month of this detailed management, I had confidence that he had turned things around, and I quit overseeing his spreadsheet. He kept using it, as he found it to be a great tool to manage his tasks. Over time, he changed the format of the spreadsheet and implemented a different system, but he hasn't had problems with deadlines since. As a side consequence, he trusts me more because I helped him overcome a stumbling block and didn't mince words as I gave feedback and tracked his progress. He has much more confidence in his work and shows amazing drive to complete every task that comes his way in a timely manner.

Tough love works, whether for employees, weight-loss attendees, friends, or children.
It relies on an already-established relationship of trust, and it helps improve problem areas and more firmly establishes that trust. It's hard work for both people, but the payoff is outstanding! God won't relent in His ideals for us, but He never stops showing us love. Shouldn't we do the same for each other?

St. Peter's Basilica

Management to Motherhood: Managing Disappointment

As you work to grow others, there are bound to be setbacks and disappointments. No one is perfect, and sometimes we encounter failure. When I find out one of my "kids" (team members) has fallen short, my heart sinks a little. I want them to be successful; I coach them to do their best, but even the best people will disappoint occasionally.

Here are my 10 tips on managing disappointment:

1. Set clear expectations from the beginning. If kids clearly know what they should or should not do, you know their failure wasn't due to miscommunication
2. Communicate the "why". If they buy in to the reasons for rules or processes, they are more likely to follow along. Coupled with setting expectations, this goes a long way towards keeping them from doing something wrong.
3. Gain respect before an incident occurs. Others are more likely to listen to you if they respect you. You can do this through getting to know them, establishing mutual goals for their future, and practicing what you preach - living by the advice you give to them.
4. Show that you care for them, no matter what. Conditional love doesn't help anyone. Accepting and celebrating their unique gifts while caring for their well-being gives your relationship a foundation of trust. They will be less likely to question your motives if they know you're on their team and committed to helping them succeed.
5. Confront them as soon as possible. Delaying a response to a problem gives them the wrong message - they may think what they did was ok. Talking directly to them about the incident shows that you won't let them slip by. Although it may be an uncomfortable conversation, it displays your care for their success.
6. Don't jump to conclusions. Tell them what happened and how it didn't match the expectations you laid out. Then, ask them what happened. Give them a chance to speak their mind and explain the circumstances. There may be lots of excuses which you'll have to tackle, but there may be more to the story than you know. Being allowed to speak helps build that trust.
7. Say you're disappointed. Disappointment from a respected coach is highly motivating, and it lasts. I still remember the sunken feeling I got every time my parents were disappointed in me. I looked up to them so much and worked really hard to make them proud.
8. Turn it into a growth opportunity. Communicate what your expectations are going forward and how they can correct what happened. This makes a confrontation constructive and gives it a positive note in the end.
9. Establish appropriate consequences. Make sure the punishment fits the crime. If one of my team members displays poor communication skills, I explain the opportunities they could have had but won't because their skills aren't there yet. I don't like taking away TV or grounding kids - those punishments are generic and don't reinforce the specific behaviors you're targeting. A teenager not making it home by curfew? Set curfew an hour earlier - once they show they can be responsible enough to make it home on time, they can "earn back" that hour...and your trust.
10. And finally...don't take it personally! There will be slip-ups from time to time. At some point it's up to them to live their own life. You can only coach and correct, not steer. Ultimately their success is in their own hands.

Management to Motherhood: Introduction

Ultimately, I feel I am called to motherhood, but I'm still a long way from it! I've always been ambitious and ready to move on to the next stage of life: in sixth grade, I was ready for high school; junior year of high school, I was ready for college; junior year of college, I was ready to be married. I'm not sure I was actually ready, but I had a strong desire to leave behind the current situation and embark on a new journey with new challenges.

My past ambitions have just required more time before they inevitably happened, but that marriage thing still eludes me. Instead (out of necessity and a refusal to be supported by my parents who had already done so much for me) I got a job and have shifted my ambitions towards something I can more directly control: my career.

Although I never really wanted to be a working woman, it does have its benefits:

1. I get to use the problem-solving skills from my years of schooling. My parents paid lots of money (and I ended up with lots of debt) to give me a top-notch education. Without an outlet to employ those skills (ha! literally), all the years, hard work, and expenses wouldn't amount to much.
2. I contribute to the greater good of society. It's satisfying to see my effort pay off in improving the efficiencies of my team and my company as well as contributing to the success, happiness, and relationship of the clients with whom I directly interact. I never intended to impact an organization, as the contribution I've wanted to make was along the lines of raising kids who would improve the world, but it has been a fulfilling detour.
3. I get paid! Having a paycheck every month and job security in a growing industry gives me the freedom to live comfortably and without worry. I paid back the above-mentioned debt (something I considered my responsibility and not that of my future husband). My thoughts have turned towards questions like, "Which causes do I want to support?", "How do I effectively tithe?", "How much do I put away for retirement?", "What can I do for my friends?", and "What trips/adventures are up next?". (If  you have thoughts on any of these, send them my way!)
4. I bill my university for the work I do now. (This is a small satisfaction, but a satisfaction none-the-less.) One of my clients is my alma mater, so each month they get an invoice for my help. After spending so much money going to school there, I enjoy seeing them contribute to my salary now, even though I live a thousand miles away. We may just come out even one day! (Side note: I really enjoyed my time in school and am appreciative of all the learning and opportunities while I was there. I don't have a vendetta of any sort. From a purely financial standpoint, it was just a lot of money!)
5. I get to travel the country for free. Business trips take me to many locations: some exciting, others mundane. My favorite series of trips was to Hawaii, Alaska, and Las Vegas within a three-month period. I have seen cultural stereotypes first-hand (a fun experience for me) and have gotten a chance to catch up with friends scattered across the states. Most recently, trips to New York and DC have included work-free weekends spent in the company of holy women who I am honored to call my close friends. Work travel gives me an excuse to visit friends I otherwise may not have the time to see.
6. I learn new things all the time. Through my interactions with smart and knowledgeable people, I've encountered so many new concepts that have challenged me to become a better professional, a better person, and a better world-citizen. I've taken an interest in various business topics, have read numerous books and articles on wide-ranging subjects, and have analyzed how others' experiences could improve my immediate surroundings.
7. Management prepares me for motherhood (or so I hope). I manage five employees, who I think of as my "kids". They all came straight out of college, so I do a lot of initial expectation-setting in the working world. I help set their direction, find their passion, build their discipline, and put them on a path to make good decisions, much as I see mothers do for their own children. Management has its ups and downs, as I am passionate about mentoring others to grow them into their best selves and I also feel their pain as they struggle. There are great rewards when I can sit back and watch what they accomplish on their own after working closely with them over a year or two.

This last benefit, which I'm calling the concept of "Management to Motherhood", is the part of my career that I want to analyze, share, hear thoughts from others, and remember later in life. I've always heard you're never really ready to be a mother, but I'm going to do what I can to prepare myself through today's lessons. To that end, I'll be writing new posts about my adventures with team members and analyzing how they relate to motherhood. Ideally, I'd have a separate thread of these posts, but I haven't figured out how to separate/catalog them without creating a whole new blog. If you have ideas, let me know!

In the spirit of sharing insight, I found this blog post to be a positive influence on my outlook for the "not-yet married" life. Enjoy! Single, Satisfied, and Sent: Mission for the Not-Yet Married