2020 in Three Words

This past year has been so unlike any other – when the world shuts down on a global scale due to a virus that causes mass fear and further divides an already polarized American political system, times are hard in general. Yet God is in it all. I know I have been carried through this year, and New Years Eve 12/31/2019 prepared me to recognize that.

At the beginning of the year, before everything changed, I was at Holy Hill to ring in the New Year with some friends with 11PM adoration and midnight mass. Beforehand, we had quite a while to chat, so we talked through some end-of-year reflection questions. The question that stood out most to me was “what three words will describe your 2020?” As I thought about it, three words came to mind: grounded, open, and moving. Grounded in my relationship with God through deeper prayer; open to new possibilities; and moving forward – taking steps outside my comfort zone to grow. I wrote them down, stuck them on my bulletin board, and looked back at them throughout the year. Boy, did God take those words and run with them!

Grounded. With the pandemic came our “safer at home” orders and the shutdown or virtualization of everything we do outside the home. For me, that meant working from my apartment and only venturing out for groceries. Never before had I been “grounded.” God has such a sense of humor! Through being “grounded” at home, I became “grounded” in prayer. Because I wasn’t commuting to work (and frankly, because I didn’t care too much how I looked each day), I had extra time in the mornings before logging into my computer to start my workday. I used that time to extend my morning prayer. I also determined a specific person to offer my day for each day and lit a candle to burn on my desk through the workday, lifting that person to God as I trudged through the seemingly endless calls. On Sundays, my roommate and I would dress up and watch Sunday mass together, trying our best to stay engaged through the TV. I also began a habit of praying and reading onto my balcony every Sunday, keeping Sunday more intentionally as a day of rest. I felt the difference. In increasing my time with Jesus and decreasing the events, activities, and distractions in my life, my prayer did indeed deepen, and I became more grounded in my identity as a beloved daughter of the Most High God than I ever had been before.

Open. Back in December of 2019, a man at my parish approached me about joining a small group he was starting, as he felt called to invite me. I told him I would think about it, but that I already felt overcommitted so maybe this wasn’t the best time. I ran into him again in January, and this time, I said yes. I wanted to be open to new ways that God could work in my life, so I was cautiously interested in learning about deliverance ministry, which was the topic of the group. Through reading and watching the Unbound program, I was able to see another side of God’s love for His people. When we discussed forgiveness, I realized where I was “stuck” and stepped farther out of my comfort zone to ask for an individual session. In this session in February, I experienced healing and insight in such an intense way. I was able to acknowledge and let go of past hurts and to vocalize forgiveness of others and of myself. I cried so much that day. There was so much freedom in letting go. One thing in particular that I let go of was my plans for my future. I gave over control and gave up the tightly-held plans and timelines of what my “perfect life” would look like. This was weeks before our “safer at home” orders began, and I know this healing was the reason I was able to roll with the punches through the lockdown. I no longer had plans for my ideal life, so changes to the plans didn’t phase me. When asked what I was feeling at the end of the session, I answered with a smile on my face, “Normalcy.” I couldn’t articulate what that word meant at the time, but it was the feeling that my heart was emptied and swept clean, “open”, that I had a Father who cared about me and was always there for me, whom I had known and felt protected by since I was a little kid. “Normalcy” to me meant being a beloved daughter of the Most High God, open to whatever the future had in store, knowing God was with me.

Moving. God had fun with this one! Not too long into 2020, my roommate and I discussed whether we should renew our lease. I loved the apartment but knew renting wasn’t the most financially responsible decision, so I started looking to buy a condo. After seven months and three rejected offers (crazy sellers’ market!), I had a good idea of what I was looking for but continued to be disappointed that the right one hadn’t come along. As I narrowed in on the area I wanted to live in, I expanded my search criteria to include houses (though I didn’t want to do yardwork or clear snow). At the same time, I gained some money I wasn’t anticipating which allowed me to increase my price range. One week after making these search adjustments, a house went on the market that was cute and in the right area and in the right price range and not too big and not too small and well-maintained and…perfect. The HOA even takes care of yardwork and snow removal. Through God’s grace, there were only three offers submitted, and after a weekend spent anxiously trying to keep my mind off of it and preparing for another disappointment, I got the call that my offer was accepted! The next month went by in a blur of paperwork, inspections, packing, and praying that everything would go smoothly. Through the hecticness and little sleep, I was frequently overcome by a feeling of joy mixed with exhaustion, doing what I could to keep on top of all the needed tasks while trusting God to carry me through. I had the sense that He had prepared this house especially for me. The previous owner, who introduced himself as a “Catholic dairy farm kid”, had never intended to sell the house but had come across an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He took great care of the place and completed many updates to it through the years. I am grateful to God for this man who put so much effort into making it a beautiful home, which I will enjoy for years to come. God’s plans are unexpected but so much better than we can imagine. The daughter of the Most High God was given a gift that exceeded expectations.

God knew what He was doing when He placed those three words on my heart on New Years Eve. He knew exactly how He intended for those words to play out in my life, amidst the pandemic and drastic changes to our everyday lives that none of us predicted. Through those words, He has shown me how actively He is involved in my life and how much He is drawing me to Himself. I’ve learned to be more grateful, as He does so much behind the scenes that we don’t realize. As the year ends and I take a last look at those three words, I have to smile and share this great joy I have experienced. I am in love with my God. He has taken the year I offered Him to focus on being grounded, open, and moving, and He has turned it into something so beautiful for the daughter of the Most High God.

What's in store for 2021? I don't know, but I trust the One who does. I already know my three words for the coming year...we'll see what He does with them!

To Love Another

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

What does love really mean? We throw it around casually, saying "love ya!" in a quick text or the end of a phone call; we talk about falling in love and about loving our pets. But what is love at its core?

Jesus says that love is the most important thing we can do. The greatest commandment is to love God, and the second is to love neighbor. What it means is that this should be our most important priority. But really, do we do that day-to-day? How do we go about it?

A friend summarized the importance of other people like this: if you're sitting in front of me but there's a million dollars right next to you, you are infinitely more valuable and worthy of my attention than the money. He made a good point, and it's a thought I come back to as I'm working to prioritize love in my life. Our lives should be devoted to each other, not to possessions or thrills or passions. We were made for relationship, and we need to care enough for each other that nothing pulls our focus away.

Time spent for another is never time wasted.

How many times do you run late and a friend stops you to say hi? How do you respond? If you're like me, it's usually a quick "hey" and you keep walking fast, or maybe even, "I'm running late and can't talk." Really, that's not much better. Isn't a friend more important than walking into a meeting 20 seconds earlier? Even if it's not a friend, loving the person who is reaching out to have an encounter with you means slowing down, looking them in the eye, and giving them the attention they deserve.


What did Mother Teresa tell us?

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.

And

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love. 

Love does not live on words.
Love is proven in deeds.

Another way we can think about loving others is to follow the words of Luke 6:30:

Give to everyone who asks of you.

I was struck when I read this recently. There are no conditions placed on that statement, and the word "everyone" makes it pretty clear that our neighbor includes every person we encounter. Yet it seems so overwhelming to give that much. It's a verse worth pondering. We can give our time and attention, our prayers, our material possessions, and even our lives for someone else. Jesus gave a great example, it's up to us to follow.

The next time you're distracted during a conversation or running late to a meeting, take a second to notice the person in front of you, and show them even a tiny amount of love. It could brighten their day...and yours!

We Adore You

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
My spirit rejoices in God my Savior 

I can think of no better words to describe being in the presence of God -
the freedom,
the love,
the lack of tension,
the calm.

Basking in the light that illuminates the truth.

Giving, and knowing your gift will be appreciated, no matter how small.

Learning to love with your whole heart,
and pleading that you can live like this every day,
knowing that won't happen until the glories of heaven.

Thanking God for a glimpse of what that day will look like,
and renewing your hope that you will make it there.

Reflecting on the life you have built,
evaluating where you haven't lived up to your calling,
and resolving to try harder.

Feeling the communion of saints and angels around you,
grateful that you can join in their unending praise of the one you love.

Living,
breathing,
hoping,
praying,
thanking...
and that is enough.

Written in Adoration 2/12/16

The High Point of Life

What would you say the high point of your life has been? Maybe it's your wedding day, or the birth of a child. Or maybe winning an award or promotion you worked hard for. Before you keep reading, take a moment to think about it and keep that event in mind.

My High Point

For me, I'd have to say the high point of life has been graduating from college. It was such an emotional day, the culmination of four years of hard work, not just with my studies but also building a life to call my own and cultivating friendships that were supportive and true.

My heart was full on my graduation day. I was ready to go out into the world and build on what I had learned. I had a job lined up far, far away, with just a few weeks to move before starting my new life.

My family was there to support me, and my parents were beaming with pride. I was also very sad to leave behind my friends and the beautiful familiarity of Duke's campus. After packing up the two cars with all my stuff, my family piled in and drove 1,000 miles away. I cried during that car ride...a lot. I clutched to my chest the stuffed animal my boyfriend had given me a few months back and let the weigh of these life changes hit me.

Graduation gave me time to reflect on how far I had come. College was tough. Classes were hard; I was far away from family and friends; new friends were good or bad influences; dance rehearsals, sorority date functions, Catholic events, and weekend parties competed for my time. All-in-all, I grew as a person. For me, graduation didn't just mean that I had completed the course requirements. It also meant I completed four years of constantly pushing myself to learn who I was and grow towards who I wanted to be. I was proud of my accomplishments and grateful for the opportunities Duke had given me.

Jesus' High Point

If we were to ask Jesus what the high point of His life was, what do you think He would say? I'd venture to guess that His answer would be His crucifixion. That day we commemorate each year on Good Friday wasn't the most pleasant...actually, it was the most excruciating. By our human standards, it would be a day we'd want to forget, not hold up as the high point of life.

So I had to ask myself what criteria really makes something a high point.

Jesus' whole life was leading up to those tough hours. The cross was the culmination of all His teaching and the fulfillment of the prophesies. It was a huge trial, one that He didn't shy away from but endured with love.

What makes me see the crucifixion as the high point is the fact that Jesus was living his God-given purpose. He showed the world love in a way no one else could. He was uniquely Himself and used His unique talents/skills/situation to serve God.

Avignon, France

Evaluating our High Point

In light of Jesus' crucifixion, I want us to take a look at our own high point. The reason my graduation was so important to me wasn't the diploma; it was the preparation for life. I had worked hard to set myself up for the future, whatever that ended up being.

My high point and Jesus' both came with trials. Breaking out of our comfort zone may bring pain and tears, but it pushes us to become more uniquely ourselves and grow towards our purpose.

I know my high point will change later in life. College graduation was just a significant stepping stone. As I work with God to understand who He created me to be, I anticipate growing towards the purpose He intended for my life and encountering trials to help me get there. Those trials will be a blessing, whether I recognize it or not. College definitely was. My future path may not be easy, but it will push me to become the person God designed me to be.

Why is the event you chose as the high point of your life? Does it tie back to your purpose? And what does that mean for your life going forward?

"If We are the Body"

If we are the body,
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?

Jesus, help us to be You to the world. Help us to show others Your love through our actions, pouring out unconditional acceptance and offering assistance.

We have a tendency to stick to our own and look down upon others who don't share our views. Break us of the habit.

We like to help when we receive recognition or know we will be paid back. Give us hearts that love without expecting anything in return.

Our actions and words are what draw others to You or push them away. Remind us to speak kindly and act sincerely.

We fail daily to follow Your example. Forgive us.

We're part of a huge body of believers - those on earth and those who have gone before us. Join our prayer with those faithful departed, as they continue to help us out. Saints, named and unnamed, thank you for your example and your intercession. You have shown us a multitude of ways to be Jesus to others.

What more can we do? Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, set in our hearts a desire to follow Your example. Pull us towards our calling, that we may complete the personalized work that You want from us. No one else can fulfill the role You have called us to - make clear to us what that role is and guide us as we pursue it each day.

Keep our hearts fixed on You - Your teaching, Your love, Your suffering, and Your defeat over darkness. You are our perfect role model, and we must strive to emulate the way You lived. Give us empathy, strength, wisdom, and courage to live lives radically altered by our knowledge of You.

St. Joseph's Cathedral - Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Living by Law or by Love

Pope Francis troubles me, but in a way that challenges and grows me.

My personality is more like Pope Benedict XVI's style - I want to lay down the law and stick to it, no matter who challenges it or breaks it. I want a set of rules to live by, knowing that if I follow them, I can't go wrong. If others choose not to follow, that's ok - I'll just hold fast on my own and keep myself pointed down the right path.

But that's not everything.

On New Years, my friend and I wrote down our spiritual retreat questions (read them here to have your own mini-retreat), then we picked out the hardest one to answer and focused on it during our discussion and prayer. For me, that question was "What are you avoiding talking about with God?"

Now, if the question had been, "What have you avoided talking about with God in the past", it would have been a cinch! I know the things that used to hold me back, and I know how much I grew as I started to let go, be open with God, and listen to His will instead. On New Years, I was ready to tackle that same honesty and growth once again.

As I reflected, I realized that I wasn't fully embracing Pope Francis as the Church's leader. And until that night, I hadn't given it a second thought. He was getting a lot of publicity and changing the world's view on this "stuffy" organization, which is pretty cool. But he also "went against the rules." He washed the feet of women and non-Catholics during his first two weeks as pope. He decided not to live in the papal apartments. When asked about homosexuality, he said, "Who am I to judge?". These actions didn't make sense to me - why would he go against tradition and not stick up for "the rules"? I worried that he was giving the wrong impression, showing that the Church as open to change and not sticking up for the long-held tradition. He was making me nervous and uncomfortable - I even hesitantly called him a "loose canon", as we can't assume he'll do what we expect.



But as I'm reading through Matthew, I'm beginning to realize how much Pope Francis is like Jesus. Yes, there are rules, but love is the greatest rule.

You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment.  -Matthew 22:37-38

Pope Francis lives this every day. His action and words show his love for God through his care for everyone, not just loyal Catholics. Jesus did the same thing - He died for everyone, not just for those who stood by His side.

Pope Francis is shifting the focus of the Church back to its original purpose and to the basic teachings of Jesus. Multiple times throughout the gospel, Jesus or his disciples do something that is "against the rules". They pick heads of grain on the sabbath; they don't fast on the appointed days; Jesus eats with those who are unclean; and He allows the blind and lame to come to Him in the temple, where they were forbidden. I didn't realize how strongly He stuck up for these actions until I started my daily meditation.

Jesus consistently put love first, above rules. The rules are serve as a guide to support us in that love. Are they important? Absolutely. But they are secondary, and if throwing them in the face of others goes against love, then we aren't really following the number one rule.

I love Pope Benedict and his care in teaching and passing on Tradition. Now I'm starting to love Pope Francis for displaying the reason behind Tradition.

Through this deeper understanding of Jesus, God has begun to open my heart to fully embrace Pope Francis and his unorthodox methods, because really...well...he's right.


So I want you to consider: what are you avoiding talking about with God?

Who Can I Love Today?

Driving to work this morning, I got this idea...I really like the "Random Acts of Kindness" stories that float around (see this blogger's post for a good cry), but I wanted to incorporate it into daily life instead. So I decided to create a game. I'm calling it, "Who Can I Love Today?"

The premise is simple: as you're going about your day, look for someone who you can help. Then, do it! After you're done, write it down, then repeat.

I was really excited to try it! I started doing nice things and writing them down. My list wasn't about being proud or tallying my "goodness" or competing; it was merely so that at the end of the day, I could reflect on the people whose day I hoped that I had brightened or eased in some way. I wanted to have something to show God, saying, "Here, I did these things for You."

So driving to work, I stopped traffic to let a guy go in front of me at a difficult intersection, knowing he could be waiting for two more lights before the stream of cars gave him a wide enough gap to merge in.

Once I got settled at my desk, I wrote a text to a friend I knew was overwhelmed with her current lot in life, sending encouragement her way.

And then...well...work happened. I said hi to co-workers, thanked the help desk for resetting my password (twice), let my brother eat the leftovers I had my eye on, but I didn't go out of my way to do anymore. My commitment to finding people to help waned, as did my passion for furthering God's will.

And so, I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm still just as excited about playing my new game now as I was this morning, even though I didn't maintain that level of excitement throughout the day. Day-by-day, I'm hoping to get better at my game and focusing more on those around me, since we become fully ourselves when we give ourselves in service to others.

Will you join me?


God, my prayer tonight is that You be with those I tried to reach today and lift their lives to You. Re-energize me with sleep tonight that I may do a better job tomorrow.


(I promise I'll write about the events that led me to this desire...but that's for another day when I have more time!)

Part of SITSgirls' ShareFest

Right to Life

With yesterday's anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Catholic and pro-life communities mourn the death of so many as a consequence of the decision 41 years ago. The fact that thousands attended the March for Life in DC yesterday, despite the bitter cold, shows that opposition to the ruling isn't going away.

Many write and speak on their views, leaning one way or the other. My favorite from yesterday is this blog by Brandon Vogt. He clearly outlines the inconsistencies in President Obama's statement in an objective way, from the view of one who gives consideration to one side while firmly aligning with the other.

It's that listening and trying to understand the other side that we forget. We get so wrapped up in shouting louder to make ourselves heard that we don't stop to consider why there is another side opposing us.

I try to understand that many people consider abortion to be an end to a woman's problem and the freedom to choose what to do with her body and her life. I've read Unplanned (and you should too!) and discovered that those employed by Planned Parenthood truly believe they are working in the best interest of their clients. They see the uncertainty of these women who regret their condition and don't know how they will live their life caring for a child. The workers want to take the problem away - to help the women get back on their feet and end their fears and anxiety.

I get that.

And if that were all there was to it, I may agree.

But all my thoughts, prayers, and yes, Catholic upbringing, have led me to believe that we're talking about two people. And once these decisions concern another person, it's not just about a woman's right to her own body. It's about her support or destruction of someone else's life. At that point, we need to defend a baby's right to life above a woman's freedom to choose.

Is there a scientific way to prove that life, by definition, beginning at conception? I don't know.

I know that all the genetic material needed for a new life to grow is present at conception. I know that at conception, a continuous string of development begins that doesn't stop at a defined point in time. I know that medical advances have allowed us to support the life of a preemie born earlier and earlier in this development. I know studies have been done that show a baby feels pain in the womb.

I believe from my Catholic studies that God fuses the soul with the body at conception. I believe that John the Baptist recognized Jesus when they were both in the womb during the Visitation. I believe that children are a gift and that they have dignity and value, even though they cannot yet contribute to society, even if they never contribute to society through productive work.

Women who find themselves in this tough situation need compassion and support. They find themselves in a difficult situation and don't know where to turn. They need prayers, yes, but they also need emotional and financial help. They need to understand their options besides resorting to the destruction of life. They may need assistance covering medical bills and, if they decide to keep the baby, living expenses.

I've been exposed to multiple groups who provide this support, ready to welcome these women with open hearts to arm them with information and resources. The Sisters of Life's Co-Workers for Life network is a beautiful display of this outpouring of love. There are women's centers popping up across the street from Planned Parenthood facilities. I spent Tuesday evening at a diocesan center, stocking shelves with diapers and sorting heaps of baby clothes donated by the community for mothers who need assistance.

The support is there.


I'm always amazed at the success of the 40 Days for Life (which I wrote about here). This peaceful vigil has so far seen more than 8,000 babies' lives spared, 88 abortion workers quit, and 44 abortion clinics closed during or following a campaign. Beautiful!

Let's continue the fight, but with love and understanding. Let's listen to what the other side has to say, because without listening there will be no dialogue. Others do not see things the same way, so shouting louder will only lead to anger and cause us to be further divided. Our love of all includes the unborn, but it also includes those who disagree.

"God is Moving"

This is my nightly prayer. Kneeling beside my bed each night, I take a deep breath and close my eyes; I reflect on the day - both my joys and failings, gratitude and contrition; I recite my 5 affirmations mantra, "I love You, I adore You, I worship You, I thank You, I implore You"; I ask for the saints' intercession (a multitude of saints for a multitude of intentions!); and I say a prayer to my guardian angel...Then I end with these words:

Holy Spirit, move through me and teach me to love.

It's that one, simple phrase that resonates with my soul.


At different points along life's journey, we shift focus and need different things. Maybe it's Jesus' mercy, or the Father's protection, or the Holy Spirit's guidance. Maybe it's just love or comfort.

A year ago, my "resonance prayer" was God be with me. I needed His presence, in any form. Generally I addressed the Father, but I wasn't too picky. I didn't really know where to turn, but I knew I wanted Him there, surrounding me and strengthening me, drawing me in even when I wasn't willing to come closer.

Slowly, my focus changed. I no longer need assurance of His presence; I knew He wouldn't leave me. (Thank you, St. Therese, for showing me just what that means!) But knowing that He's here isn't enough. I'm shifting focus outward. Now I want to do something. I want to be an extension of God's love, giving existence to the desires God has for His world. And that can only come through a love of God and an openness to the workings of the Holy Spirit, whispering from deep within.

Twice in the past couple months, I heard something I don't think anyone has said to me before. First a nun and then a priest, after listening to me talk about my faith, said they saw God moving in me. What an awesome thing to hear! The Holy Spirit is moving...I can feel it, and it's great to know others see it too. I want everyone to see that, to see the love God gives me, in my interactions with every person I meet. I want others to know what that movement feels like! It starts with a prayer. So I continue to ask...

Holy Spirit, move through me and teach me to love.

 

 Hillsong's "God is Moving"

(I like a different version better, but I can't find it on YouTube!)

My Mother, My Inspiration

My parents left to drive home yesterday, after a relaxing Christmas full of quick-witted humor, good food, and a beautiful Christmas Eve mass. What really struck me, though, was my mother's dedication. This isn't new - every time I spend time with her, I realize how much the family is her top priority. Some examples:

• Weeks before the trip, she asked my brother and me multiple times what recipes she should bring. She wanted to make us our favorites and to plan ahead in case she needed to bring specific ingredients or cooking utensils.
• She brought me my favorite local marinara sauce, without me asking :)
• She said she would change the sheets on my bed both before and after my parents stayed in it.
• She spent hours in the grocery store and my kitchen, preparing the perfect Christmas dinner by herself, while serving the rest of us cheese, crackers, and apples to temporarily curb our hunger.
• After each meal, she went about cleaning dishes and putting leftovers away, without so much as a chiding remark for us to help her. (I did help out! I didn't want her to be in the kitchen by herself while the rest of the family spent time together.)
• She did laundry while on vacation. If that doesn't show discipline and dedication, I don't know what does!

Needless to say, I love my mother's dedication. She really took on the role of wife and mother wholeheartedly 30 years ago and continues to this day. I only hope that I can put my whole self into something and dedicate the rest of my life to it.

I don't know that I'll ever fill her shoes!

So while I'm inspired by her dedication and have a few days left before returning to work, I thought I'd imitate her just a little. Yesterday, I cleaned the house, changed the sheets on my bed, did three loads of laundry, and picked up the mess that was my post-Christmas apartment :)

Last night I looked through one of my cookbooks, picked out four recipes, and wrote down the ingredients I needed. This morning after mass, I braved the grocery store! (If you don't know, I absolutely HATE grocery shopping, and I don't like cooking either.) I made chicken stir fry for my brother and me for lunch, then put pork chops and cornbread stuffing in the crock pot to be ready for dinner tonight! (AND got all the dishes done!) My hope is that leftovers will last me most of the week, then I'll tackle the other two recipes.

My mom has been my role model in so many ways. Spending time with her reminds me what I have to be thankful for AND what I have to aspire to! I'm newly inspired to put more effort into improving myself, even in the areas I try to brush aside. That's a good way to start the new year!

A Christmas Prayer

Happy birthday, Jesus!

Dear God,

Thank you for the many blessings you've given me, both those I recognize and those I take for granted.

1. I'm especially grateful in this holiday season for family. My parents drove 16 hours to make it here to celebrate with my brother and me - that's a long drive! I was so excited that they watched me in the Nutcracker yesterday. I danced my best and was radiating joy, knowing they were in the audience.Their love and support through the years hasn't changed, and their dedication to us is humbling.
   

   

   French Twist for the Nutcracker!

2. Thank you for the weather! Although it has been really cold, the timing of snow couldn't have been better. First, the roads were clear Monday for  my parents' drive, despite the big snow storm over the weekend (and the ice last Friday - eek!). It made for an easier trip for them, and also a beautiful, sunny day when they arrived. They were able to see the prettiest part of winter - fresh snow glistening in the sunshine! Second, coming out of mass last night, filled with Christmas joy from the beautiful music and decorations, I was touched that it was snowing again! This is the first White Christmas that I remember, and it's beautiful. Growing up in the South, I would always hope for snow on Christmas, but the closest we ever got was ice. And third, we can enjoy the weather from inside today! We don't have to be anywhere, so we'll settle in to share each others' company, take in the pretty view through the windows, and stay warm!
   

   

   Our winter wonderland

3. Lastly, a wish for all, in honor of Jesus' birth - that the world may know Your love, if not through prayer and personal relationship with you, then through the actions of those around them. May we recognize Your movement through our world and display the joy of Your love to all people, no matter their stage of life, personal beliefs, or life choices. Let us remember the true reason we celebrate today - not the hustle and bustle of buying gifts and preparing for meals and parties, but the silent night that brought our Savior from on high into our world. How wonderful is the love God has poured out upon us! Fill our hearts that we may extend that same love to everyone we meet!

   

   Merry Christmas!

The Gift of Tears

I've found myself crying, or near tears, a lot more often recently. But these aren't normal tears - they aren't tears of self-pity or sadness or joy for something happening in my life. They have to do with the transformation going on inside of me. These days, I can't even get through mass without tearing up.

Friday evening, driving home from work, I was reflecting on Jesus' passion. All of a sudden, I was sobbing, moved by how much He must have loved us, even in the midst of our darkest hour - condemning and killing our Savior. It's something I've thought about before, but that night, it hit me hard. I wanted to make it up to Him, but my whole life's work is not even enough. I was reminded of Mother Teresa's vow to refuse nothing to Christ. Really, isn't that the only acceptable response?

This isn't the first time I've been overcome to the point of tears...

I distinctly remember a moment from my confirmation retreat in 8th grade. We were spread out throughout the dimly-lit cathedral, praying individually. The retreat leaders came around to each of us, asked what we'd like to pray for, and then joined us in prayer for a few minutes. When my turn came, I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed by two things:

1. As we entered the cathedral for this quiet prayer time, we were handed a small sheet of paper with a letter typed out - something like this (I wish I could find the actual one!). The "letter" was written from Jesus, explaining how much He loves us individually and wants to be with us, even though He reaches out to us a million times and we don't respond.
2. This stranger wanted to pray for MY intentions. She had never met me before, but she took the time to ask, "What can I pray for?", and then sat with me and prayed for me, for my family, and I don't know what else. To tell the truth, I was so overcome that I couldn't think of anything specific to ask her to pray about!

This was my first real encounter with both Jesus' unique love for me, as described in the letter, and another's openness to pray with and for me. By offering to pray for me, she showed me what Christ's love looks like. It was beautiful! ...and more than I could handle.

Two more teary-eyed moments were during retreats in college (the Awakening retreat I talked about in my post on Aggie Catholics). My freshman year, I was overcome by the sacrifice of the students running the retreat - giving up their weekend to be there for us and welcoming us where we were, with open arms. After the initial excitement of the retreat, we had time for confession and quiet reflection. The only light in the room came from the candles we set in the shape of a cross. I once again saw Jesus' love poured out through others.

The other time, I was a sophomore, giving a talk during the retreat. The support I got from the other students, in hand-written notes, small gifts, and a group prayer over me before I spoke really did me in. They showered me with thoughts and prayers, again revealing the depths of Jesus' love. (I'll post my talk some other time!)

These moments were some of the most poignant of my faith journey. They occurred when I was being transformed, renewing my dedication to know, love, and serve God. I've always had a relationship with God the Father, but I tend to keep Jesus at a distance. I can't fathom how much He endured, and sometimes I don't feel like our salvation was worth it.

But in these moments that bring me to tears, I can't escape His love. He chose to die for us, freely. That's a gift I'm trying to accept. As much as I don't like crying, I'm drawn to these encounters, both feeling Christ's love through others and being Christ to others. I can't back away, because I'd really be missing out. My tears mean I'm growing in love.

So...hi Jesus, and thank You!

St. John Lateran - Rome, Italy

Management to Motherhood: Tough Love

I'd consider myself a nice person. While that generally makes me pleasant to be around (I hope!), it can get in the way of giving feedback effectively. For the sake of my team members' feelings, I can sugarcoat how they are doing, and then they don't have a clear sense of what they are doing well or not so well.

Every person receives feedback differently.
I know some who jump to change at the first mention of the possibility they are doing something sub-par. I know others who rationalize all critical feedback - they blame the situation and won't admit that they are less than perfect. It's important to keep in mind how the individual will respond when crafting your not-so-happy message.

Giving feedback on specific incidents that happened is only the start. If they take it well and are more careful in the future, you'll never have to mention it again. If, on the other hand, they don't get the message and continue with the same behavior, (first, you've gotta make sure you tell them clearly what you expect without sugar coating!) then it may be time for some tough love.

If they mess up once in a while, you correct and continue on. Once the behavior is repeated over and over though, it becomes a pattern which will need a harder stance to break. Tough love is the method of showing how much you care for a person by holding them to a standard that they haven't consistently reached in the past. It's not being mean. You can coach them through it. You need to be unrelenting though - leave no allowance for slipping back to old behavior. Continue to bring up the mistake every time you see it happen, as soon as you see it happen. It'll be somewhat of a Pavlov's dogs thing - instead of hearing the feedback directly from you afterwards, they will start to remember it beforehand and will (hopefully!) correct themselves.

Tough love takes work...
both on your part and on the part of the person you're helping improve. It's called "tough" for a reason.  You have to be watchful and outspoken with the feedback, even if it's uncomfortable to give. The person may not like you for it as they are constantly being told they are doing things wrong, but if they have respect for you and understand the negative impact their behavior has on others, overall they should be able to see that you're looking out for their best interest and trying to help them grow.

It's like being a personal trainer.
There's lots of struggle to motivate the trainee to put in the effort, but ultimately there's a goal, and it's your job to help them reach it despite their groans and complaints. You're by their side, holding them to the number of reps they need to do, encouraging them to keep going, but never coddling or lowering your expectations. They may feel exhausted and inadequate, but they know it'll help them achieve that goal. At the end, they will be so much stronger and self-confident - precisely because it wasn't easy but they made it anyway.

Being the nice person I am, I have a tendency to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Unless they show signs of struggling or the problem really starts to affect others, I let it go. But the key to NOT having to give tough love is to address and correct things right away. I get myself in situations where I'm responding to a raging fire because I didn't pay attention when it was just a small flame.

The first time I had to use tough love, I was a camp counselor for a cabin of 9-year-olds.
First, I was surprised at how caddy and cliquey the girls were already - I didn't realize I'd have to deal with almost-teenagers! There were three girls in particular who decided they were the "popular girls." They always sat together, excluded others from their group, and whispered about and laughed at other girls. One day, I finally had enough. I was angry at the way another girl was put done by their comments, so I told them (a little forcefully) they were not allowed to sit together at meals anymore. Their smiles quickly melted as they tried to hold back tears. My heart was breaking for these three - I didn't like to see them hurt, but I also knew how much they were hurting others and would continue to hurt them if I didn't intervene.

That night, the whole camp got together to watch a movie. Walking over to the big cabin, all three of these girls wanted to walk beside me and hold my hand. When we settled in for the movie, they really looked like lost puppies hoping I would give them a smile - no caddiness, just a desire to please at any opportunity. I had one of these girl sitting on each side of me, and the third on my lap. This was definitely not the reaction I was expecting. Instead of becoming sullen or resentful, they were more willing to listen and wanted to be good.

The next morning at breakfast, they took seats next to each other, slyly glancing me to see if I'd notice. I restated that they were not to sit together, and they moved to be interspersed among the rest of the girls. That meal was a little awkward, since they had to talk to girls outside their "clique", but I had a profound sense of relief. I could also tell that the other girls were glad of the change. Those three girls continued to hang out in their group, but they were much nicer to the other girls, and I never had problems again.

Summer camp was a great experience for me as a counselor, and I think it did wonders for the girls who attended. They learn and grow in new ways - some overcome a fear of swimming or heights, others find their stride caring for and riding horses, and they all interact with new friends and adult supervisors. Although I didn't go to a typical summer camp when I was growing up, I definitely recommend it!

Camp canoe formation

Tough love in the workplace isn't much different.
By the time someone enters the workplace, they should know basic courtesy and work ethic. But work is very different from school, which is all they may know. Some make the transition smoothly, while others don't pick up on the "obvious" behaviors you're need in an office. One of the main things I see new workers struggle to understand is setting deadlines for themselves. In school, a teacher or professor clearly states the expectations for a paper, homework assignment, or test, and gives a due date for each one. In the workplace, there aren't always hard deadlines - a lot of things are "as you have time" or "get it done soon".

I had one particular team member who didn't take these seriously, and after 6 months, he had delayed other people from completing their work and didn't have much to show for himself. We had a hard conversation about when people expect those things to get done and what the consequences of putting them off were. He drastically changed the way he approached each new nebulous assignment, and a year later, he is a star employee. By resetting that expectation and forcing him to track each task in a spreadsheet along with his own due dates for each, he got into the habit of approaching each timeline by thinking about when other people needed him to finish his task. It took additional time for him to keep a spreadsheet of all his responsibilities, and it took time out of my day reviewing it and talking through it with him.

After a month of this detailed management, I had confidence that he had turned things around, and I quit overseeing his spreadsheet. He kept using it, as he found it to be a great tool to manage his tasks. Over time, he changed the format of the spreadsheet and implemented a different system, but he hasn't had problems with deadlines since. As a side consequence, he trusts me more because I helped him overcome a stumbling block and didn't mince words as I gave feedback and tracked his progress. He has much more confidence in his work and shows amazing drive to complete every task that comes his way in a timely manner.

Tough love works, whether for employees, weight-loss attendees, friends, or children.
It relies on an already-established relationship of trust, and it helps improve problem areas and more firmly establishes that trust. It's hard work for both people, but the payoff is outstanding! God won't relent in His ideals for us, but He never stops showing us love. Shouldn't we do the same for each other?

St. Peter's Basilica

Prayer for Peace

(Taken from prayer journal, written 9/7/13 during Adoration)
On the International Day of Fasting and Prayer for Peace...

Jesus, we desperately need you. Your world is destroying itself with anger and discord. Tragedies happen every day, and no one is moved to tears. Your people suffer; scandal and immorality surround us.

We need Your message of love - recognizing the dignity of all people and serving them, loving all. We need to be reminded of Your example, caring for the sick, reaching out to the broken, and showing others what it means to be neighbor to all.

Help us preserve life in all stages, in all countries. Give us Your Spirit to guide our words and actions, and open the hearts of all to hear and respond.

We unite our suffering to Yours; You are the supreme example of loving fully, without holding anything back. Give us the courage to follow Your lead, to listen to the yearnings of our hearts, and to ever strive to grow closer to You.

Mother Mary, join our prayer for unity and peace throughout the world.

Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands

The Stairs to Perfect Love

St. Catherine of Siena is one of thirty-three Doctors of the Church. She lived in 14th century Italy, and although her writing is quite prolific, she died at the young age of 33 and couldn't write without a secretary transcribing her words until her last three years. I have been reading her book, The Dialogue, for at least 6 years. It's quite dense, so a few pages at a time is all I can digest. Every time I pick it up, though, it speaks to me - seemingly as if I'm being given advice about my current situation.

One part of her dialogue with God that keeps coming back to me is the idea of climbing stairs out of a river to reach perfect love of God. I wanted to summarize the analogy so others could read a slimmed down version (and so I could have my own Cliff Notes!).

God explains to St. Catherine that there is a river of selfishness and pleasure which has three stairs leading out of it up to the bridge that is Christ's teaching.

To climb the stairs...

1. You have to be thirsty for God's love. If you don't have enough perseverance to overcome suffering and adversity, you'll turn back and won't make it to the ultimate goal.
2. You can't do it alone. God is present when two or more are gathered together. There's a lot to be said about the support of a community, not to mention that you can't show love if you have no one to show it to. Love of neighbor is intimately linked with love of God.

The River... This is where sinners are suffering and chasing sensual pleasures, but not turning to virtue or considering their future - punishment or purpose. Eventually, if they don't climb out, they will drown in their selfishness.

The First Stair... Once they realize there may be punishment for their actions, they decide to change their ways. This is born out of fear of suffering, and is described as imperfect or "mercenary" love. It's still selfish, but there is some thought to consequences.

The Second Stair... Once they get a taste for virtue, they start to follow because of their love of virtue instead of fear of punishment. This is a more perfect love, described as the love of a "faithful servant". They begin to love God and neighbor and to keep commandments. It's still selfish, as they are focused on delighting in their own profit because of virtue. The way you know it's still imperfect love is to see what they do when they are troubled by adversity - do they keep up their commitment or waiver because they aren't getting the reward for their goodness? A specific example is Peter's denial - when the going got tough, he ran away. That's not to say he was a bad disciple; he just wasn't there yet.

The Third Stair... Through perseverance and growing in self-knowledge, they can grow to perfect love. This love is described as "filial", where they have become more than friends to God but children of God, showing love free of selfish interest. There is a unity with God, where they strive for his will, aligning their own with it completely. They don't just follow the commandments but also understand its wider context and live according to the spirit of the law. No matter what adversity may come, they do not waiver from their steadfast love of God and neighbor. They treat all with love to reflect their love for God, not expecting anything in return and not growing weary or agitated when others do not act in kind. The example of this type of love was when the disciples emerged from the upper room after the Holy Spirit descended upon them; they went out, fearlessly proclaiming Christ's resurrection and glorifying in their suffering for their faith.

The Bridge... At the top of the third stair is the bridge that is Christ's teaching. This is more an extension of the third stair, as the two go hand-in-hand. A perfect union with God brings about a unity with the Word.


Each time I think back to this analogy, I try to determine where I am along the journey and what is holding me back from reaching the next stair. What keeps you from advancing toward God's love?

Sioux Falls, SD

Aggie Catholics...there's something in the water

I am amazed by the Catholic community at Texas A&M and in the surrounding area. I've personally met a few of their members years ago, and although I was far away from my normal surroundings, I felt right at home due to their genuine love and earnest desire to lift up others. They were individuals, each striving to build a Christ-centered life and to share that joy with everyone they met. We became fast friends, and I was really sad to see them go when we said our good byes. I haven't kept in touch with them as I'd like, but every time I think about them and the weekend we shared, I smile and feel their joy once again.

In addition to my personal experience, two other things stand out to me that distinguish this group and solidify it in my mind as a vibrant, life-giving community.
 
Awakening

Awakening retreats have popped up at more than 40 college campuses across the country. The retreat is generally a weekend away from campus consisting of small group discussion and activities, talks by fellow students, lots of singing, silly costumes, confession, mass, and community-building to deepen participants' love of Christ. It is well-scheduled and well-designed, and each college adds a little of its own flavor.

I had the opportunity to serve as coordinator years ago. There were some stressful moments (as you'd expect when running a 2-night, 100-person event): regulating preparations, keeping speakers on schedule, and discerning successors, but overall it was such a rewarding and humbling experience. Strong, lasting friendships were formed, many tears were shed, and the community dedicated themselves to Christ in a profound way.

My first time on the retreat, I was moved by the outpouring of love by the staffers, even before I had any concept of the hard work and prayers they had contributed to make the weekend happen. After staffing in many different capacities over the subsequent years, I came to understand and appreciate even more what an extraordinary retreat it is. One day I'll post my prayer talk, which I still find relevant to my life today.

The retreat is decentralized, so it only spreads as students talk about their experiences and other colleges reach out to current participants for help setting up their own retreat. Without Texas A&M, this retreat would not have spread across the country like it has. McNeese University started the retreat in 1974, and Texas A&M got a hold of it in 1983. The Aggies have the largest and longest-running Awakening retreat in the country, and they have helped many other colleges set up their own, which is how I met these lovely people!

They drove 700 miles, missing Friday classes and lots of sleep, just to help another college get their retreat off the ground. They were eager to help and didn't complain at all the entire weekend. I don't know how many other colleges they directly contributed to, but their influence is widely felt (whoop!).



40 Days for Life

The campaign against abortion has never been stronger. 40 Days for Life is a prayerful protest of abortion clinics across the US and spreading into other countries. It started in Bryan, TX (where else!) by the Coalition for Life in 2004 to protest the Planned Parenthood clinic down the street. Its first year going national, more than 80 cities joined. Today, there are more than 500 cities (including 19 other countries) contributing to the effort. That's amazing. (Looking back through pictures of my time with my Aggie family in 2007, I noticed that one of them was wearing a 40 Days for Life shirt. More than 5 years later, I am now discovering what a great cause they had already begun!)

I just finishing the book Unplanned, which told me about the role this Texas community has played in the pro-life movement. I'm looking forward to participating in my local 40 Days for Life campaign in the fall. As a result of the community here, a surgery center that approved second trimester abortions in 2009 had many patients cancel there appointments, and the center never performed a single procedure. They abandoned their plans to offer abortions after peaceful protests and questions into the legality of the procedure. What a victory!




These two programs have done great things for the Bryan/College Station community, the US Catholic community, and the world at large. This is a loving group that is making a big impact in such an inspiring way. In the manner of Switch, we need to examine this "bright spot". What makes this Texas community so successful at cultivating a loving environment and launching wide-reaching programs? How can we foster those same qualities in other communities to make their efforts as impactful as they can be? There must be something in the water.

For now, I stand in awe.

"Lord of All Creation"

(Taken from prayer journal, written 4/20/12)

Lord of all creation
Of water, earth, and sky
The heavens are Your tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on high

You're above every thought I could ever have. The immensity of the world and what You have created is astounding. I can never comprehend how You had (and have) so much love for us that You created all this.

You have given me so many blessings that I have a hard time realizing and appreciating - family, friends, talents, Your love and guidance, amazing opportunities to learn and work, and other gifts that can be used for Your will. Help me to realize how blessed I am and give back to You. I could never adequately repay You for the sacrifice and love You have given for me, but with each day, I hope to know You better so I can better align my will with Yours so that the gifts You have given me are used for the purposes You intended. Help me find the path; light my way, that I may cease to stumble in the dark. Show me my failings so I may admit them and reject them.

You made all things, yet You have enough to love to share with all. Give me the strength to love as You love, and to accept Your love. I can't believe Your care for me and the willingness with which You welcome me into Your arms. Continue to shower me with love, that I may come to understand and accept the reality of Your constant presence and unconditional love. God, I love you and ask that You be patient with me as I attempt to listen and follow you. I have no doubt that You are truly present; help me to recognize what that means and act accordingly.

Bless me, shower down Your love on me, and correct my ways, that I may fulfill the goals You have put me here to accomplish. I love You, I adore You, I worship You, I thank You, and I implore you - give me the grace to live the life You have given me to the fullest, ever aware of Your presence and allowing Your love to radiate through me.

"Your love is extravagant"

(Taken from prayer journal, written 9/23/11)

 

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate

It's so difficult to understand unconditional love when I don't think about it nearly enough. It's just a catchphrase until I sit still and actually consider what it means.

Maybe I don't recognize it even when I see it in the world - it makes me reconsider my priorities, which is uncomfortable when I'm around other people. I want to feel the reality of God's love, not just for me, but through me to others. I want to see people as God sees them - as beautiful creations with human dignity that entitles them to respect, love, and the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is so different, and we were created individually as we are.

I also need to love myself - not in a selfish way, but as a fallible human who also has dignity and deserves respect. In accepting myself and struggling with my weaknesses, I can better love others by being open to their world, not being absorbed in my own. It will take time sitting quietly to understand myself enough.

"Holiness is what I long for"

(Taken from prayer journal, written 1/25/10 during Adoration)

Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom

These words keep repeating over and over in my head. The phrase/plea captures the unworthiness of self and the reliance on God's mercy. The other phrase/lyrics that keeps running through my head is

Holiness is what I long for; holiness is what I need.
Holiness is what You want from me.

We are called to become perfect like Christ, even though we will never attain perfection. Although this should seem hopeless and disheartening, to know that others have been striving for the same thing, succeeding as much as humanly possible, and providing an example to follow is invigorating. If the saints could do it, why can't I?

This could mean changing a lot in my daily life, but what do I lose by it? Maybe some "fun" times with friends, but that is only momentary and not usually fulfilling. To know my friends better and help them out when they are struggling would provide so  much more joy than enjoying an evening where my heart tells me I'm not being me.

I want to know You and see You in the face of others. I cannot be perfect, but I can desperately try to become like You every minute of the day. At one point I began writing down things I had done for others each day, and I hope I can do that again. It gave me such a sense of peace to know I could touch someone else and make his/her day a little brighter.

I need to love without restraint, without regard to consequences or pain; to accept others and love them as they are, for who God made them to be. Their flaws were intentional. If God loves them anyway, why can't I? God, surround me with people who will help me on my journey, who will be supportive yet resolute, and who will hold me accountable.

Sadly, I can't always push myself, but that's why this journey was not meant to be taken alone. Without a community, faith struggles and new ideas are difficult to come by. On the other hand, blindly listening to a group can also be a hindrance to faith. Differing opinions are essential to a healthy and growing faith. I want to be like the phrase I have heard before:

Be in the world but not of the world.

I want to relate to all people, regardless of background, religious practice, or values. It may be difficult to accept these things, but I will continue to strive for it. The saints are such a source of inspiration, and I should read more about their works and lives.

Jesus, make me Your Hands - doing Your work in the world. Help me to find peace and share it with those around me every day, taking the time to reflect and recenter so I can continue going on whatever path You have set out for me. Your will be done.