Dreaming vs. Living

My imagination gets me in trouble.

Don't get me wrong - imagination can be a really great thing. It's good for visualizing scenarios and preparing for presentations, difficult conversations, and dance performances. I also love envisioning stories from Jesus' life in the style of Ignatian contemplation - it really brings to life the people present at the events.

I took a pretty extensive aptitude test in high school. Overall, it served to confirm a lot of things I already suspected about myself - like the fact that I have poor fine-motor control but good spatial skills (great for engineering!). The one thing that surprised me was my high score in idea flow. This test measures how quickly you come up with ideas. Scoring high is good for jobs like sales, journalism, and teaching - things that require you to be quick to adapt and find new ways to approach situations. I didn't realize it then, but I do this naturally - not necessarily for practical purposes, but my mind is always active and travels from one idea to the next, seeing a situation in a new light or creating a made-up scenario to work my way through.

But there are downsides to having an active imagination.

For one, concentration can be difficult. With wheels constantly in motion, it's hard to stop and deeply consider one idea since the next idea is already tumbling along. I find myself daydreaming or coming up with lots of new projects to do (and forgetting half of them).

The biggest problem I run into is using my imagination (consciously or not) to alter reality.

Have you ever had a dream that was so realistic you can't figure out if it was real or not? And then your perception of a real-life person changes because of what they did your dream? This is the unconscious imagination I'm talking about.

In addition, I start daydreaming and create conversations in my head where my friends say exactly what I want to hear. They do things that make me happy or make me feel special. Usually, it's directed towards my own gratification. In a sense, I'm creating my own reality and changing my friends' personalities to suit me.

And that's not good. It sets unrealistic expectations for my real-life friends and disappoints me when they don't live up to my altered view of them. But it's not their problem - it's mine. I'm the one who isn't fully embracing the unique people I encounter for who they are. I'm the one who is expecting something but not telling them what my expectation is, setting myself up for disappointment. I'm the one trying to change them.

So for Lent, I think I'll give up daydreaming. I'm still fleshing out the idea, but this seems like a long-time habit of mine that isn't doing me good. With God's help, I hope to emerge from Lent able to more fully embrace those around me - not because of what they can do for me or what I can imagine them doing, but because each one is unique and unrepeatable (to use JPII's words). It'll be a hard journey but one that will lead to a deeper appreciation for and connection to the people God has created.

Single, and Loving It

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be single this Valentine's Day, and for the first time, I'm genuinely happy about it. No, it was not my plan to be on my own 5 years after graduating college. In the life I designed for myself, I was married with a kid or two by now.

God had other plans for me. 

It has taken quite a while to come to terms with where I am today. I've been disappointed time and again when what I really wanted didn't worked out. I worked so hard in school, with late nights to turn in my best work. I always thought my engineering background would be a great segue into motherhood - always new challenges, not much sleep, and new developments to keep up with. But that transition didn't happen. I dated guys and put lots of effort into making things work, when really I wasn't being true to myself. Obviously, those relationships didn't last...and I'm thankful for that.

In these struggles, I was going against what God wanted for me. Over time, I started to accept the fact that I'm not in control - God is. And the more I let go and follow His lead, the happier I become.

As I reflect on my current state in life, I realize that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. 

Everything has fallen into place, but in ways I never expected. All I had to do was say yes to the opportunities that came along. My various talents and interests are all being put to use, not as a mother, but as a manager and a friend:

• I'm leading a large, undefined project at work. Five years ago, I would have been intimidated to be in complete control, without someone else showing me which direction to go. Today, it's an exciting challenge - I define my own scope, pull in the resources I need, and set my own timelines. I set my own vision and lead others to carry it out. That engineering background really has put me in a position to make an impact.
• I'm learning about my faith and helping others grow through two Young Adult Groups. I straddle two parishes, so I'm making friends in both. I just started co-leading a weekly women's fellowship group, discussing Archbishop Fulton Sheen's TV series from the '60s - Life is Worth Living. 
• I just danced 4 shows of the Nutcracker in December and am now learning ballroom. My passion for dancing keeps me active and introduces me to some great people I wouldn't have otherwise met. I especially enjoyed sharing my experience and "wisdom" with the high school girls in the Nutcracker. I found out how much I enjoy mentoring younger girls as they figure life out.
• I'm getting to crochet baby blankets, toys, and clothes for all my friends who are having their first babies! This year has been ripe with new life. I once would have been jealous that they have what I want, but now I'm just excited to share in their new phase of life, helping out as I can and learning along the way. I'm putting my crochet skills to great use!

If I had continued striving for my ideal life, I would have missed out on all these things. Taken together, these really define the things I love about life. Each one of them makes me feel more alive.

Despite my best efforts, God has put me exactly where I need to be. So no, I'm not married with kids like I wanted, but I'm more than satisfied with life, and I'm excited for where God leads me next. So God - now it's Your move!


Are there things you're so focused on that you're letting the joys of life slip by?

Management to Motherhood: Managing Disappointment

As you work to grow others, there are bound to be setbacks and disappointments. No one is perfect, and sometimes we encounter failure. When I find out one of my "kids" (team members) has fallen short, my heart sinks a little. I want them to be successful; I coach them to do their best, but even the best people will disappoint occasionally.

Here are my 10 tips on managing disappointment:

1. Set clear expectations from the beginning. If kids clearly know what they should or should not do, you know their failure wasn't due to miscommunication
2. Communicate the "why". If they buy in to the reasons for rules or processes, they are more likely to follow along. Coupled with setting expectations, this goes a long way towards keeping them from doing something wrong.
3. Gain respect before an incident occurs. Others are more likely to listen to you if they respect you. You can do this through getting to know them, establishing mutual goals for their future, and practicing what you preach - living by the advice you give to them.
4. Show that you care for them, no matter what. Conditional love doesn't help anyone. Accepting and celebrating their unique gifts while caring for their well-being gives your relationship a foundation of trust. They will be less likely to question your motives if they know you're on their team and committed to helping them succeed.
5. Confront them as soon as possible. Delaying a response to a problem gives them the wrong message - they may think what they did was ok. Talking directly to them about the incident shows that you won't let them slip by. Although it may be an uncomfortable conversation, it displays your care for their success.
6. Don't jump to conclusions. Tell them what happened and how it didn't match the expectations you laid out. Then, ask them what happened. Give them a chance to speak their mind and explain the circumstances. There may be lots of excuses which you'll have to tackle, but there may be more to the story than you know. Being allowed to speak helps build that trust.
7. Say you're disappointed. Disappointment from a respected coach is highly motivating, and it lasts. I still remember the sunken feeling I got every time my parents were disappointed in me. I looked up to them so much and worked really hard to make them proud.
8. Turn it into a growth opportunity. Communicate what your expectations are going forward and how they can correct what happened. This makes a confrontation constructive and gives it a positive note in the end.
9. Establish appropriate consequences. Make sure the punishment fits the crime. If one of my team members displays poor communication skills, I explain the opportunities they could have had but won't because their skills aren't there yet. I don't like taking away TV or grounding kids - those punishments are generic and don't reinforce the specific behaviors you're targeting. A teenager not making it home by curfew? Set curfew an hour earlier - once they show they can be responsible enough to make it home on time, they can "earn back" that hour...and your trust.
10. And finally...don't take it personally! There will be slip-ups from time to time. At some point it's up to them to live their own life. You can only coach and correct, not steer. Ultimately their success is in their own hands.